Rep. Steve King: “If Not For Incest, Would Donald Trump Have Won The Presidency?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaking to a congregation at a prayer breakfast in the nation’s capital this morning, Republican Congressman Steve King seemed to imply that President Donald Trump needed help from a select group of Americans in order to win the 2016 election. Specifically, King seemed to say that incestual Americans — that is, Americans who have sexual relationships with their family members — were key to Trump’s victory. King has also recently defended incest and rape as part of his anti-abortion rhetoric.

“Now look, we’ve already established that rape and incest are perfectly fine because without them, humanity might not even exist,” King told the flock of the First United White Nationalist Church of D.C., “but I submit that incest is a good, clean, godly pursuit. Surely we’ve all read the passages in God’s good book that refer directly to incest? And I ask you this, if incest is good enough to be in the Bible, is it not good enough for the American people?”

Once he had fully defended the practice of incest, Rep. King then told the congregants about a theory he’s been “working on” since Trump defeated former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in the general election.

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“I ask you this, honestly,” King began, “if not for incest, would Donald Trump have won the presidency? Think about it. If you take a map of the Confederacy, then overlay a map of states where incest is still considered the best, where you can really put your cousin to the test so to speak? Do you know what happens? They line up perfectly. Guess what happens when you then overlay the 2016 Electoral College map? You guessed it, the majority of it looks exactly the same, plus those key swing states. It makes you wonder if incest is so bad if it helped us install a good, clean, white man to help wipe away the legacy of the previous black administration.”
Sipping from his water, King continued to hammer on the issue of whether or not inbred Americans were vital to the success of Trump’s campaign.

“Now, I don’t have the exact numbers to back this up, but I imagine that if you were to take the inbred support away from President Trump, he’d probably lose the popular vote by another solid eight or ten million voters,” King said. “Of course, thanks to our glorious anti-democracy with things like the Electoral College, he could still be our president for another four years in that event. But I for one am glad that people who think boning their sister is okay support our president. If we can be allies with racists for fifty years, we can be allies with inbred Americans.”

King went so far as to say that inbred Americans are the “most American” of any group of citizens living in the U.S.

“I submit to you that inbred Americans are the best, most American Americans you can find. At the very least, they are willing to procreate within their own familial bloodline, rather than mix the races,” King explained, “so if you ask me, someone who’s willing to bang their cousin so they don’t have to bang a — you know, DARKER VARIETY of American? They’re true blue American patriots in my book.”

Reportedly, President Trump is pleased by King’s observations on the connection between his campaign and inbred Americans.

“As someone who sees the true, deep, pink beauty of his own daughter,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office this morning, “I can understand why someone would be at the very least tempted to go all the way. I love every vote I get from everyone who votes for me. Rich, poor, white, URBAN, inbred, you name it. I only hate the people who are disloyal to your favorite president of all time no matter what my approval ratings say. I’m grateful for all the support I get, even from cousin humpers. Which is worse, boning your cousin, or wanting the wealthy to pay enough to support the economic system their wealth depends on to be maintained? Exactly. The second one.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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