Steve Bannon’s First Move: Tinfoil ‘Make America Great Again’ Hats

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Following a major shake-up of his campaign apparatus, alleged billionaire and confirmed D-List realityTV celebrity Donald J. Trump demoted his previous campaign manager and put Breitbart News executive chairman Steve Bannon in his place. Many on the Hill were wondering when and if Bannon’s influence would be seen within the campaign, and a new press release seems to have answered that question. Starting this weekend, Trump will unveil a new line of campaign merchandise that Bannon says will “lock and load” the alt-right voting bloc that he says Trump needs to win.

“The Trump campaign is pleased to announce that we will be offering these stylish new tinfoil Make America Great Again hats,” the press release reads, “and we know that every right-leaning, liberty loving, libtard hating, ammo-hoarding patriot will want one.”

According to the press release, personally authored by Bannon, the hats are specially designed to pick up secret, back channel radio chatter between unmarked black helicopters and other federal agencies. They’re also designed to automatically filter out dangerous chemtrail levels in the air.

“The hats will be available to anyone who makes a twenty dollar or more contribution to the campaign,” Bannon’s release says, “and we will also accept the current exchange rate in Bitcoin, obviously. Because nothing says governmental tyranny like a unified form of currency that makes it so we don’t have to deal with a ton of different exchange rates within the same country, right?”

Bannon’s release states that Mr. Trump has already “given the orange light” to proceed with a few more of his ideas to invigorate a campaign that many see as being in a death spiral. One such idea is to start letting people throw their Amazon Kindles or iPads into the same fires they use for the book burnings at certain rally stops throughout the country. Another option is to hold “lowest melanin count” contests at campaign events to award prizes to the whitest people in the audience.

“Because white people just frankly don’t get enough stuff handed to them anymore,” the press release states.

Current polling shows Hillary Clinton would win in a massive electoral college landslide were the election to be held today. Bannon’s press release attempted to address that issue as well.

“Oh sure, the libtarded libtards will have you believe that Obama’s polls are to be trusted, and believe me Obama is behind these polls,” the press release says, “but I don’t believe them. And I have super-duper secret insider sources that say it won’t matter anyway because Obummer’s going to declare Thurgood Marshall Law and just stay in the Oval Office until one of his daughters is old enough to be president, at which point he will Sharia Beam the powers of the presidency into her body so he can take the natural gay Kenyan communist lizard form he’s  been hiding from us all.

The Clinton camp could not be reached for comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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