Steve Bannon Comes Out From Underneath His Bridge To Defend Muslim Ban

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just hours after he received a promotion to the National Security Council, Steve Bannon came out from underneath the bridge he calls home to defend President Donald Trump’s recent executive order banning Muslim immigrants from seven different countries.

The order was blocked late Saturday night thanks to a lawsuit filed by the ACLU. A federal judge blocked the order, which Trump had given one day prior, which allowed refugees and green card holders who had been held up at various international airports across the country. The judge’s ruling came amid heavy and growing protests at airports all across the nation. It’s widely suspected that Mr. Bannon, who has long been a proponent of such a travel ban, was the mastermind behind the order.

“I just wanted to step out from my home, here, underneath this bridge,” Bannon said, wiping doughnut crumbs and the slime from a frog he’d just devoured from a glass bowl that sat on a dais he was rested upon, “to tell you all why the president signed my — excuse me, the — order, and maybe give you some perspective into why it is we need this travel restriction.”

Bannon took a deep breath. He called to his left, and a golden robot walked out, whispered something in his ear, and Bannon continued.

“Islam is a political ideology,” Bannon, “and that’s different from when Christians use their religion to gain political power, you see. Totally different. How is it different? I don’t know. Look at me. Do you think I put much thought into anything I say or do? Certainly I don’t put any thought into not looking like a homeless man wandered into the White House and was given credentials.”

Mr. Bannon said that even though the First Amendment promises religious freedom to all who come to the U.S., the president and his staff think that’s “crazy libtard talk in these times.”

“I just want you all to point out the part in the Constitution where it says we have to give Muslims rights at all,” Bannon said, “because it doesn’t specifically say in there it applies to Muslims. So in my mind, that means we can just ban whoever we want. Simple.”

Bannon was asked by one reporter why he thinks Muslim refugees who have been previously vetted are more a danger to Americans than other Americans with guns. Bannon was provided with shooting statistics for the last thirty years that show over a million Americans gunned down by other Americans, and contrasted that with the comparatively very small number of Americans who have died on American soil in foreign terror attacks. Bannon just shrugged.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the voice in my head,” Bannon said, “telling me to kill all Muslims, kill all Muslims everywhere. But don’t worry, I’m totally sane and rational. Just like President Trump.”

Before ending the press conference, Bannon confirmed one thing for a reporter who asked.

“Yes, that is correct,” Mr. Bannon said, “my policy goals and my face are exactly the same level of ugly. I’m glad someone finally noticed, thank you!”

The Statue of Liberty, reached for comment, said she was having the pro-immigrant poem removed from the plaque at her base because “it clearly doesn’t apply in this country anymore.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This