Steve Bannon, Seb Gorka Caught Masturbating Each Other Quietly But Furiously In Holocaust Memorial Museum

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Steve Bannon was just caught in a very compromising way in a very uncommon place, and at the time of publication, the White House has not responded.

According to several sources, Bannon was feeling dejected after having gotten the news of his removal from the National Security Council, and went to a place “he finds great comfort and refuge in” to get his mind off that development. Bannon took his friend and fellow White House administration official Seb Gorka to the Holocaust Memorial Museum in the nation’s capital. That’s where the story took a turn for the kinky, bizarre, and craven.

“At approximately 1:15 in the afternoon on April the Fifth,” D.C. Metro Police Sgt. Kevin Kinney told reporters, “a watchman here at the museum got reports from several visitors that two men were in the corner of the room that has our display on the camp at Dachau, and that they were engaged in mutual sex play.”

Sgt. Kinney says that once the cameras were able to identify that two shadowy figures were indeed in the Dachau room, police were called. When officers arrived, they found Mr. Gorka and Mr. Bannon engaged in “mutual masturbation,” describing the two men as being engaged in “quiet, but extremely furious hand gestures and grunting.” The officers gave immediate orders to halt. Gorka, who has come under fire recently for his ties to a European fascist political party that was believed to be under Nazi influence during World War II, was the first to stop.

“I’m so sorry, gents,” Gorka reportedly told the responding officers, “but Stevey and me here were just working out our grievances against your government together. You know, in a private, homoerotic ways. Like we non-betacuck males do. You see, our white genes make us so superior, we’re the only ones who know the best way to cure the blues is to give your friend’s gherkin a jerkin’.”

Bannon at first tried to use executive privilege to get out of hot water.

“I speak with the authority of the Co-President of the United States of America,” Bannon barked at the cops, “and as such I hereby claim executive privilege over this, my tiny, shriveled, and yet somehow genetically superior dong, and the hands that are currently stroking it to and fro.”

The officers were not buying that excuse. They asked Bannon to show them where the Constitution delegates such “co-presidential” powers. That’s why Bannon tried to use the Darth Vader Force Choke, but to no avail. Ultimately, officers were able to get Bannon to stop masturbating after six hours of tough negotiations. At the time of publication, it’s uncertain what charges, if any, Bannon or Gorka will face.

The White House did not respond to requests for comment.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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