Steve Bannon Comes Out From Under His Bridge With Box of Personal Effects

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was only able to last just less than seven months on the job before he was asked to tender his resignation/he was fired/we’ll never know because no one in the administration is capable of telling the truth. Bannon had been a top executive at Breitbart, an online publication that skews heavily to the right, and which has been the self-appointed guardian and champion in the media of the “alt-right” movement, which many people thought would insulate him from Trump’s ire. The assumption was that Bannon had too much on Trump, and that the alleged billionaire would fear Breitbart publishing the dirt enough to keep Bannon firmly in place.

However, despite Trump saying as late as last week that Bannon had his full confidence, ultimately Bannon was fired. Reporters camped outside Bannon’s office were able to spot the former administration official as he emerged from the under bridge he called his home and work space during his tenure. He was carrying a box of personal effects, which he was asked about.

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“Well, what I’ve got here are some of my things,” Bannon said, “Just some things I liked to keep around me, to remind myself of the great honor I had, and the men who I looked up to who came before me.”

The reporters asked Bannon to show them what some of the items were, and he obliged.

“This here,” Bannon said while pulling out a bar of gold that was stamped “Deutsche Bank” and had a swastika on it, “was given to me by one of our campaign’s most outspoken and important, early supporters — Mr. David Duke. So that was nice.”

Bannon showed the media a piece of the Shroud of Turin that he was given by televangelist Pat Robertson on Inauguration Day that he called a “Jew blood rag.” He showed off a pair of cuff links worn by Confederate President Jefferson Davis the day the South attacked Fort Sumter. There was a link from a piece of chain that Bannon said once kept slaves anchored in place during auctions, and a small tear formed in his eye when he told the story of how he acquired it.

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“Oh! Oh! This is one of my favorite pieces,” Bannon told reporters as he fished into the box and pulled out a small, flattened ball of lead. “This is the bullet that killed the tyrant Lincoln after his war of aggression. I cannot believe that Vlad was able to procure it, but after Election Night, I got a FedEx package from the Kremlin and a personal note from him. I’ll never forget that note; I have it memorized. ‘Dear Steve, now you’re number one with bullet. Just hope it’s not a bullet like this one. Ha ha. American joke.'”

When asked, Bannon said he has a few “irons and books in the fire” when it comes to finding a new job.

“I hear that Stormfront is in need of some editorial guidance,” Bannon said, “and I just happen to have been editor of a racist media outlet before so, you know, match made in heaven and all that.”

Mr. Bannon is widely credited with being a major reason as to why Donald Trump was able to become the least popularly elected president of all time, narrowly defeating Hillary Clinton in the Electoral College by a margin of around 100,000 votes spread between three key swing states.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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