Steve Bannon Asks Trump If He Can Keep His Monogrammed Presidential Bath Towels

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Whether or not Steve Bannon being removed from the National Security Council by Co-President Donald Trump indicates a massive shakeup is underway within the White House, Bannon’s sudden change in position is noteworthy for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, he becomes just the latest in a string of officials in his administration that have either been fired, resigned, recused themselves from part of their official duties, or moved to a position with much less authority. Though his co-presidential administration is not even three months old, Trump has already lost a National Security Adviser over undisclosed communications with Russian operatives, and his attorney general has had to step out of the investigation into Russian interference during last year’s election because he lied to Congress under oath about his own communications with officials from the Kremlin.

On his way out the door for lunch today, Mr. Bannon reportedly asked Mr. Trump for a small favor.

“Hey Don,” Bannon asked, leaning his head back into the door frame, “I know I’m not, like, on the NSC and stuff anymore. And that’s cool, I guess. Bummer, really. But does this mean I have to give back my presidential bath towels?”

According to several sources close to the co-president who spoke on condition of anonymity, Trump smiled, vacantly.

“What, what’s that Steve my boy,” Trump asked, “bath towels?”

Bannon explained that when the team had moved into the White House, he had been the one to handle ordering the administration’s official bath towels, to be used during Trump’s first term. When the towels arrived, however, they were monogrammed with “SB,” not “DJT.” Rather than bother with the process of returning the towels to the Chinese textile factory that made them, Bannon told Trump he decided to “just hold onto them.”

“Waste not, want not,” Bannon said, “at least that’s what I was thinking at the time. And I mean, you know, since so many people caught on so quickly to what our, um, relationship is, that I figured it didn’t really hurt anything for my initials to be on the presidential towels.”

One staffer said that Trump considered Bannon’s words for a “good, full 30 seconds,” which they say is “at least three times as long as he thinks about things like Yemen raids.” Trump concluded that it was fine for Bannon to keep the presidential towels. There was one stipulation, however.

“When Vlad’s in town you have to hide them, Steve,” Trump said, “because I already promised him certain perks, know what I mean? And if he comes up in here and gets the impression you’re the man behind the curtain and he’s not, that could be awkward for all of us.”

Bannon smiled.

“Thanks, Comrade Fuhrer Donald,” Bannon said.

Mr. Bannon walked briskly to Trump’s desk. Trump stood up, and the two shared a long, loving gaze before embracing. Their lips locked, their tongues lashed and entangled with one another. Trump grabbed Bannon’s right buttock and Bannon returned the favor. The two said something in parseltongue, which opened the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets Mr. Bannon had installed in the Oval Office.  The two men disappeared into the chamber for the rest of the afternoon.

The White House did not comment on this story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This