Stephen Miller Really Wants To Know Where His Precious Is

WASHINGTON, D.C. — White Senior Policy Adviser Stephen Miller was reportedly in a very anxious and erratic state this morning, according to several highly-placed sources.

“We wants it, we needs it,” Miller reportedly was heard shouting throughout the White House, “Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little refugeeses! Wicked, tricksy, false!”

Several top aides tried very hard to calm Miller down. They had no idea what his “precious” is, why he thought refugees had taken it. Miller was inconsolable.

“I must haves it,” Miller shouted, “I must haves my precious! It was stolen from my ! Filthy refugeeses!”

For an hour or more, White House staffers tried everything they could to get Miller to tell them what his precious was. He just kept pointing at his finger, and saying it wasn’t there anymore. He began crying, tears streaming down his face.

“Where is my precious,” Miller demanded, “did Master take it back to SHIRE, BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGINS?!”

Reportedly, Miller had become so distraught that his girlfriend, fellow conservative and Nazi Vampire Ann Coulter to try and calm his nerves. Coulter took Miller to a private room in the White House with a single casket in it. Screams and wails could be heard from the other side of the door. At one point, a large smoke cloud mysteriously appeared out of nowhere, and Coulter stepped out of it, walked to the White House fridge, took a bottle of some red liquid, and then snapped her fingers and disappeared in the same, sulfurous cloud of smoke she’d entered in.

Hours later, Coulter and Miller emerged, saying they’d joined their energies together, and that Miller was feeling “much, much better.” Both were wiping their mouths profusely, and one staffer thought he saw what looked like red contact lenses in the couples’ eyes, but she said that could’ve just been their natural, vampiric glow.

Aides say once they had him calmed down, Miller was most interested in going to lunch. He apparently really wanted seafood that day.

“The rock and pool, is nice and cool, so juicy sweet. Our only wish, to catch a fish, so juicy sweet.”

If Miller ever reveals what his precious is, or if he finds it, this story will be updated.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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