Stephen Miller Really Wants You To Put The Goddamned Lotion In The Fucking Basket

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Stephen Miller, White House senior policy adviser, held a press conference early this morning, announcing his “extreme displeasure” and “overwhelming anxiety” at how few people have put the lotion in the basket or even on their skin, leading to a spike in those needing to get the hose again.

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“It puts the lotion on its skin,” Miller said to reporters, “or it gets the hose again. It puts the lotion in the basket. It’s really that simple folks. We’re three weeks into this administration and you don’t understand this very simple concept? Here, let me draw it out for you.”

Miller produced a large easel and a big, black Sharpie marker. He took one look at the marker. He sighed in disgust.

“Can we get a different color marker please,” he asked to someone off camera who shot a question back to him. He answered angrily, “I don’t give a fuck! Any other color besides black. You know how I hate blacks. The blacks are the worst…of the marker colors.”

Once an aide had found a red sharpie, Mr. Miller drew a basket and a tube of lotion then a curvy arrow between the lotion and the basket. He gestured between the illustrations for several, long moments. He nodded up and down wildly.

“I think you get the point,” Miller said.

Throughout the press conference, Miller never explained why the lotion was there, or the need for the basket. He never discussed what the purpose of needing everyone to put lotion on their skin and int he basket was, nor what the consequences for not obeying might be, beyond “getting the hose.” It’s also not just the lotion that Miller would like you to put in the basket.

“Just put the shampoo in the basket, okay,” Miller asked, “just put the shampoo in the goddamned basket.”

Reporters took the opportunity to asked Mr. Miller what he meant when he told George Stephanopoulos that President Trump’s authority “won’t be challenged.” Miller repeated the need for everyone to put the lotion in the basket. When the press pool tried to ask for details on Trump’s Obamacare replacement package, Miller again demanded everyone put the lotion on its skin, or they will get the hose again.

Reached for comment, the White House said that Miller will be taking a “much deserved respite” in his hometown of Transylvania. They did stand by Miller’s demand that we put the lotion in the basket, put the lotion on our skin, and barring that, we put the shampoo in the basket.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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