Stephen Miller Hospitalized With ‘Self-Inflicted Crotch Wound’ After Watching Border Patrol Whip Brown People

REICH LAGOON, FLORIDA — Former White House senior race war adviser Stephen Miller is reportedly in “serious, but stable condition” after suffering what doctors are calling a “self-inflicted crotch wound.”

“Late last night, we admitted Stephen Miller for a self-inflicted crotch wound,” Dr. Sal Monilla of St. Mary’s of the Burning Tiki Torch told reporters this morning. “He is resting comfortably in serious, but stable condition. We expect to move him from the Fascist Care Unit to our general recovery floor in the next few hours.”

Bleach and Coat Hangers Sold Out in 65% of Texas Counties

Dr. Monilla divulged that Miller told him how and when he injured his crotch.

“Mr. Miller advised us that he had been at home, watching Fox News, when a story about the Border Patrol agents who used their horse reins to whip refugees from Haiti came on,” Dr. Monilla explained. “He said that he had never, ever felt such trouser turgidity in his life, and it wasn’t long before he was reflexively rubbing his genitals like some kind of Nazi bonobo.”

While he classified Miller masturbating to such images as “cartoon villain level grossness,” Monilla says that Miller wouldn’t have been hospitalized if he hadn’t then spent the next 72 hours straight continuing to “rub and fondle his junk.”

“When you’re as clearly thin-skinned as Miller is, it doesn’t take much rubbing to chafe some layers off your reptilian epidermis,” Monilla said matter of factly. “So getting inspired by such blatant white supremacy and violence toward brown people made it virtually impossible for him to resist the temptation.”

Monilla indicated that a serious of skin graft surgeries will have Miller “back on his feet and under his robes in no time.”

“Once we harvest enough shed snakeskin, it’ll be just a matter of weeks before he’s tainting American discourse with his overt racism again,” Monilla said with pride. “That’s how good a team we have here.”

Harvard Med School Opens the Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Balls Virology Research Center

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This