Stephen Miller Pushing Trump To Open D.C. Blood Bank Inside The White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senior White House Policy adviser Stephen Miller has put in a formal request to have a fully functioning blood bank set up within the White House itself. According to papers received by this outlet, Miller hopes that Co-Presidents Trump and Bannon will approve a three million dollar request to have the blood bank established, and Miller would like permission to oversee all of its operations or at the very least the stockpile of plasma.

While he was out for his nightly jog before starting his work day, which begins at dusk, Miller answered some questions from reporters who caught up to him. One reporter asked if Miller had a personal reason for caring about blood donation. They asked if he’d had any loved ones who were hemophiliacs or had some other auto-immune diseases that required regular transfusions.

“Nah, nothing like that,” Miller replied, “I just like blood. A lot. No particular reason, really. At least not that you media plebs need to know about.”

Mr. Miller indicated that he envisions the blood bank as serving a couple functions.

“First,” Miller said, “it’s a blood bank, duh. So if there’s ever a tragedy and blood is needed, there will be blood here. Secondly, I’ll have a lot of blood on hand to, you know, use for things and purposes and stuff.”

Pressed for details, Miller simply divulged that he has “special dietary concerns” that blood bank could help ensure get met.

“And it’d be really at no major expense to the taxpayers,” Miller guessed, “other than the construction costs. I’ll be, hopefully, the only one running it, so overhead really be non-existent. This is by all rights a win-win situation for me and the American people.”

Trump and Bannon have not signaled one way or another yet, according to Miller, if they’ll appropriate the funds. Miller is hopeful that Trump may fund the project himself. If he can’t get the blood bank built, Mr. Miller stated that “more drastic measures” will need to be taken.

“I have very special, very strict dietary concerns,” Miller said, “and having a blood bank on hand that I can visit whenever I want to will make it so that I don’t have to resort to more drastic measures down the line.”

Neither Co-Presidents Bannon or Trump could be reached for comment on this story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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