It was all smiles and cozy body language as White House Senior Policy Adviser Stephen Miller and conservative pundit Ann Coulter — one of the country’s hottest new couples — hit the red carpet at the 15th Annual Conservative Granny Awards. The CGAs are conservative America’s answer to the Grammy Awards, which the music industry holds every year to honor recording artists from several different genres. The Grannies work in a similar way, except they are given every year to the conservative icons and trailblazers who have done the most work to bring America backward a few decades.
“We’re just so glad our dead-eyed, vacant, soulless stares found one another,” Coulter said, a wisp of sulfuric vapor trails coming off her perfectly styled hair. “It was really a great match,” Coulter continued, “I wrote a book sucking up to Trump, and he sucks Trump’s dick on the daily.”
Coulter said she was wearing a custom made dress that was designed for her by renowned conservative fashion designer Ben Carson — yes that Ben Carson. Sure, he’s known primarily as a brain surgeon, but that didn’t stop Donald Trump from making Carson his HUD Secretary, and in that same spirit, Dr. Carson has begun designing dresses for conservative women.
“Mostly,” Carson said, beaming, “I just drape American flags over them and that’s about it. But Ann’s dress tonight was something I put a lot of thought into. And anyone who knows me knows that thoughts aren’t something I do very easily.”
Having met during a speed-dating session at a D.C. area hotel, Coulter and Miller say they have “so very much in common.”
“Well, there’s the fact that we both think our skin color belongs on our resumes,” Miller said, “and both feel our skin color makes us just slightly better than other, heavier pigmented Americans.”
Coulter piped up.
“And we also both hate Mexicans,” Coulter squealed, love in her voice, “we both totally hate the Mexicans! And Muslims! And socialists! And any American who doesn’t think in lock-step with us while we demonize the so-called groupthink of libtarded libtards!”
The couple gazed longingly in each other’s eyes.
“It’s true,” Miller said, “we really do share a tremendous amount of -”
Coulter finished his sentence for him.
“…hatred and loathing for non-white people because we’re deathly afraid of what it might mean to not be the dominant race since to us, race actually means something and isn’t a bullshit social construct,” Coulter said.
“Of course, we also share our love and need for human flesh,” Miller said, “as we both are blood-sucking vampires, of course.”
Miller was positively beside himself.
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“Satan be, you really do complete me in every way,” Miller said, “I’m so glad we’re being good conservatives and waiting until we’re married to consummate our unholy union.”
Coulter smiled and blinked.
“Well, except for me pegging the living shit out of you with this rolled up copy of Ronald Reagan’s biography, right,” Coulter asked, more than a little force in her voice.
“Um, yeah, of course my darling dark hearted demon,” Miller said.
Ann closed her eyes. She whispered something in an ancient, evil tongue. Far off, the screams of orphans could be heard, though it wasn’t exactly apparent why.
“Good, good,” Coulter said, “glad we have all that figured out, my love.”
Coulter and Miller said their next date night will be a “fun and romantic evening” in an “inspiring and beautiful” location.
“We’re going to have a picnic in front of the Holocaust Memorial and Museum,” Coulter said, “because nothing gets us both hot and steam for some pre-pegging action like Jew jokes. And there is literally no place better for making Jew jokes than at the place honoring the alleged Holocaust.”
Miller simply nodded, a vacant stare across his face, which everyone took as his normal, resting expression.