Trump Wants Statue of Liberty Torch Outfitted With Tear Gas Launcher

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Leading up to the 2018 mid-term election — one that saw his party lose control of the House of Representatives in quite historic fashion — President Trump ramped his rhetoric about a “caravan” of migrants coming up from Central America to the United States, hoping it would energize his base enough to stave off the shellacking he ultimately took at the ballot box that night. Many saw Trump’s rhetorical attacks on the caravan as nothing more than blatant political theater, and an attempt to fear monger about a group of people that contains women and children fleeing violence and crime in their home countries.

After the election, it seemed for a few days that Trump had dropped the caravan as one of his key focal points. However, as the caravan moved northward, Trump repeatedly took to Twitter to attack the caravan, Mexico for not stopping it in their country, and virtually anyone else related to the subject who does not parrot his administration’s talking points. Tensions mounted to a fever pitch over Thanksgiving weekend, and U.S. border patrol agents fired tear gas canisters into the group of people attempting to cross into the United States and seek asylum here.

Trump has been peppering the world with Tweets on the subject.

This morning, speaking in the Oval Office to reporters, Trump floated the possibility of taking his anti-immigration policies to a whole new level. Trump said watching the events of this past weekend unfold gave him a “bigly greater idea” than any he’s ever had before. Trump wants to request funds from Congress to retrofit an iconic American landmark for “additional security.”

“I’m going to have Stephen Miller send a letter to Congress, demanding they set aside however much monies we need for to add a tear gas grenade launcher to the Statue of Liberty’s torch,” Trump said, beaming with pride. “This was an idea I came up with all on my own. I figure, from her high vantage point, she’ll be able to take out any five year old violent criminal thug she sees!”

Reporters asked Trump if taking such a hard line tack with people seeking refuge and asylum and using the Statue of Liberty’s torch to do so isn’t just ironically destroying exactly what it is that the statue is supposed to represent. Trump farted very hard as he laughed even harder.

“Shut up! No. Seriously, as your President King, I command you to shut up. This is the way things are now,” Trump said. “In fact, Stephen and I came up with a tweak to that stupid little poem at the base of the statue, to make it fit in with its new, highly-ordained purpose of murdering browns.”

Trump took out a sheet of paper and read from it, while sounding like this was not only the first time he was reading it, but literally anything in his entire life.

“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore,” Trump read, “for target practice.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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