State Department Website to Begin Offering Tours of The Kremlin

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Visitors to the State Department’s website in the near future may be able to use it to book accommodations for themselves and their comrades to visit the Kremlin in Moscow, the Trump Administration is reportedly set to announce. After an article promoting Mar-A-Lago — Trump’s private, for-profit luxury resort — was pulled down from the State Department’s website after it drew sharp and fierce criticism, Trump is, according to sources, hoping that the advertisements for Kremlin tours won’t face the same backlash.

“Maybe the problem is that they don’t want the American president’s business promoted on an official website,” Trump reportedly speculated to his aides and advisers, “and they’ll be okay with plugging the Russian Co-President’s business instead?”

Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, according to several aides, demurred and suggested they leave the official websites largely as-is. Steve Bannon, however, firmly disagreed with Priebus. Bannon had a further suggestion for Trump.

“Maybe you could offer tours of Nazi concentration camps,” Bannon said, “so that people can see the Holocaust wasn’t so bad.”

That’s when Sebastian Gorka piped-in.

“With all due respect Mr. Bannon,” Gorka said, his finger raised, and his British accent cutting through the room, “the alleged Holocaust. Are we really ready to say we believe things that come out of Jew mouths all of a sudden?”

There was a moment of brief silence. Gorka and Bannon stared each other. Tension mounted, then it was broken with the sound of two huge, uproarious laughs.

“Believe Jews,” Bannon asked rhetorically, jabbing his thumb at Gorka while addressing Mr. Trump, “this motherfucker over here, eh? ‘Believe Jews.’ What a crack-up you are Seb!”

Russian President Vladimir Putin was out horseback riding shirtless when he was approached by Russian reporters and asked about this new development. Putin came down off his horse, which once he was off it clearly towered over the president’s short, diminutive, authoritarian fascist frame. Putin told the media he was “pleased and delighted” that his “investment is paying dividends early.”

“Sometimes you take a risk when you meddle in a country’s elections,” Putin said, “and you wind up with someone who isn’t going to give you a good return on your investment. But between this and some, other benefits coming our way, clearly my investment is paying dividends early.”

Democratic Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer of New York said he is “outraged” by this move, but also as a Democrat he’s “completely and utterly powerless to do anything about it except tell everyone how clearly terrible this is as if they don’t know for themselves.”

This is a developing story.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This