Ken Starr and Newt Gingrich Issue Scathing Rebuke of ‘Brazen, Blowie-Free’ Impeachment of Donald Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Donald J. Trump became the third American man ever impeached by the House of Representatives.

Two articles of impeachment — one alleging he abused his power and another that he willfully obstructed the constitutional authority of the Congress to investigate his administration — passed on a largely party line vote in the House. There had been some speculation on the Hill if enough House Republicans would be present for a quorum, given that so many would have to make the commute from deep inside Trump’s anus to the floor of the House in order to debate and ultimately cast their votes on the articles of impeachment. However, they did indeed make it to the rotunda in time, and the day’s proceedings were able to get underway.

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The Republicans tried in vain to protect President Trump from what Rep. Gym Jordan, a Republican representing Ohio, called a “willful and wanton misapplication of accountability.” After hours of furious debate, the votes were cast, and Trump joined former Presidents Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton as the three men to be officially impeached. Former President Richard M. Nixon was not subjected to a full vote on his articles of impeachment, as he resigned the office of the presidency after the Supreme Court held unanimously that he had to turn over recordings he made in the Oval Office, and as the articles passed out of the House Judiciary committee. It’s long been suspected by historians that Nixon’s articles of impeachment would have been passed and he would have been impeached, had he not resigned first.

Two men very familiar with the impeachment of a president issued a blistering letter, trashing the process by which House Democrats adopted and passed articles of impeachment against Trump. In a long-winded and angry letter, Special Prosecutor Ken Starr — who investigated President Clinton’s actions that led to his impeachment — and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich — who oversaw the impeachment — excoriated Democrats. The letter says Trump’s impeachment “sets a dangerous precedent.”

“This new precedent, that you can have a brazen, blowie-free impeachment of a president, sets a new low bar for this country,” Starr and Gingrich’s letter insists. “It has been established, constitutional precedent that literally the only reason you can impeach a president is if that president lies about a blowjob. That is it! THAT. IS. IT!”

Gingrich and Starr express a “deep concern” that future presidents will be held to the same standards as Trump.

“What kind of country are we going to live in, if a president can’t just completely disregard propriety and the Constitution if it means they get a personal, political benefit,” the letter asks. “What kind of message are we sending our grandchildren if we impeach a president, not for getting a blowjob and lying about it, but for their complete and total disregard of their oath of office? Since when does breaking the law and breaking the spirit of the Constitution warrant impeachment?”

The letter concedes that there “might be a scenario” in which the authors would support Trump’s impeachment.

“If, hypothetically, the president had been getting a hummer in the Oval Office during his call to Ukraine,” the letter asserts, “that might be a scenario in which we’d support impeaching that president. But simply extorting an ally with our tax dollars? That sounds like a pretty cuck-y reason for impeaching someone. Just sayin’.”

Starr and Gingrich close their letter with a stark warning for Democrats, and the country.

“Take care that you don’t vote to cheapen the only process by which we can punish a president for lying about whose mouth his penis has been in,” the letter warns, “with a hyper-partisan crusade to stop a president from inviting foreign interference in our election. Think of the dystopian nightmare America will become if we hold a man accountable to the same standards we’ve had for presidents since the Constitution was ratified and adopted. No one is above the law, sure, but that doesn’t mean the law applies to presidents…certainly not Republican ones.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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