Starburst Announces New Flavor: Trump’s Rectum

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — Over the weekend, word broke that Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) gave President Donald Trump a special gift — a jar containing his favorite Starburst candies — after noticing that Trump was only eating strawberry and cherry flavored varieties of the confection.

As reported by The Washington Post, McCarthy gave one of his staffers a large supply of Starbursts with instructions to pick them clean of the cherry and strawberry flavors so he could hand deliver them to Trump in a special glass jar with Trump’s name on them. The move hearkens back to the Ronald Reagan presidency, when it was divulged that Reagan had an affinity for jelly beans.

Days later, the No. 2 Republican in the House — known for his relentless cultivation of political alliances — bought a plentiful supply of Starbursts and asked a staffer to sort through the pile, placing only those two flavors in a jar. McCarthy made sure his name was on the side of the gift, which was delivered to a grinning Trump, according to a White House official. (WaPo)

Wrigley, the parent company that owns and distributes the Starburst line of candies, wanted to seize on this newfound newsworthiness of their product, and have created a new flavor to commemorate this moment for their company.

“We are very pleased to announce a brand new flavor in the Starburst family of flavors,” Wrigley said in a written statement to shareholders. “And we think it’ll be a bigly hit with at least one American, if you catch our drift. And luckily for us, he’s the bigliest American there is.”

Trump’s Rectum will hit shelves by the end of the first quarter and will come packaged separately because as Wrigley put it, “the flavor’s inspiration considers himself above having to mix with other colors too.” Wrigley says the inspiration for the name of the new flavor came from Rep. McCarthy.

“When we heard he just couldn’t wait to burrow his tongue all the way up Trump’s butt, and using our candies no less, we were all truly inspired,” Wrigley’s statement declares. “So we decided there’s no more appropriate name for our new flavor than Trump’s Wrecked-Um. But that seemed too quaint, so we dropped all the pretense and went with Trump’s Rectum.”

As to what the new variety of Starburst will taste like, Wrigley says they know they’ve made a “bold and experimental choice” they are hoping pays dividends with candy lovers.

“They’ll be orange in color, but will taste like racism, senility, farts,” Wrigley says. “Which we think will be as evocative of this president as anything, really.”

Wrigley says they’re making one more small change to the Trump’s Rectum flavor that makes it deviate from the standard Starburst formula.

“We’re making them extra small, too, so that they feel really huge in a small set of hands, maybe a small set of hands resting near a big, red nuclear button we all hope is actually just hooked up to a vending machine somewhere so he can get more Starbursts instead of starting a nuclear holocaust,” Wrigley says.

The White House did not comment on this story.

Satire like this can also be found on Alternative Facts and The Political Garbage Chute.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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