SANTA CLARA, CALIFORNIA — When Superior Court Judge Aaron Persky gave Brock Turner to just six months jail time for his felony rape conviction, many called for his removal from the bench, outraged at the extremely light sentence. Persky, holding a press conference early this morning addressed those concerns and also said he’s “learned much” from the experience sentencing Turner, and has devised his own, new, “sentencing guidelines.”

“In my court,” Persky told reporters, “we’ll look at a convicted felon’s crime and if it took less than twenty minutes, we’ll set them free.” Judge Persky said that the jails “are already so crowded with rapists and murderers” that he thinks “putting someone in jail for a violent crime is one thing, but if it only took twenty minutes” it’s “legalistic silly sauce.”

Judge Persky told reporters that there was no crime that shouldn’t be held up to the 20 minute standard.

“Tax evasion, burglary, assault, battery, fraud, sex slavery,” Perksy said, “why punish someone so severely for twenty minutes of illegal action? Isn’t it much better to give these perpetrators a slap on the wrist? Is that not what justice is, a slap on the wrist and an insult to the victim?”

When a reporter handed Persky a copy of a dictionary, turned to the page that had the definition of the word “justice” on it, Persky didn’t budge, but he did look quite puzzled.

“Hmm. That’s odd,” Persky said, “I could have sworn the real definition of justice is ‘making up shit as you go along to protect already privileged people.’ You learn something new every day. But, no, I’m still going with 20 minutes or less, and you’re free!”

Persky also took the time to address his critics.

“Look, I get it, this kid brutally raped a woman, but he’s a star athlete with a bright future,” Persky said, “so should we destroy that future just because he destroyed that young woman’s sense of safety, community, and personal privacy? Should we just give this kid the sentence other rapists would get if they weren’t privileged white kids going to an Ivy League of the West school? Show me in the Constitution where it says laws have to be applied equally!”

Someone showed Persky the 14th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America. After reading it to himself for several minutes, smoke began to come out of his ears.

“Yeah, but,” Persky said and kept repeating for the next half hour. Eventually all the reporters left the room. At the time of publication Persky was still in the conference room, attempting to string together another sentence that could remotely justify his horrid sentence for Turner.

Persky is currently running unopposed in his district, which isn’t satire, so if you’ve read this fucking far — sign a petition, call your congressman, DO FUCKING SOMETHING. This man is disgusting enough for me to break the fourth wall to say this directly: Fuck Judge Aaron Persky and the idiot horse he clearly rode in on.