Spicer Cancels Press Briefings, Will Shout Talking Points From Inside Oval Office Instead

WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s been no big secret in Washington that Sean Spicer has been having a rough go of it as the White House Press Secretary. He’s been mocked for his short temper, inability to stop tripping over his own words, and seemingly unending ability to deflect, lie, or stonewall the press when it comes to questions on a whole host of topics. Rumors of his termination have been swirling for some time, but President Donald Trump has heretofore shown to have confidence in Spicer’s abilities.

Already in less than four months in office the White House has elected to hold press briefings in audio-only formats, without any cameras covering them. Just this week, during one such no-camera briefing, Spicer indicated that the Trump administration would not be answering any more questions about the probe into their ties to Russia during the presidential campaign last year. Now it appears they’re willing to risk looking even more stand-offish and closed off to the press and the people.

This morning, the White House announced that press briefings would no longer be held, and instead Mr. Spicer will simply stick his head out of the Oval Office and shout the administration’s talking points into the ether. Any reporter within shouting distance is permitted to report on what they hear, but the media is not allowed within the White House itself without permission, and so the media will be asked to report what they can understand from what Spicer says through the walls of the White House.

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“The piss-pass-pees-puss-PRES-ident has decided since you all are a bunch of dicks,” Spicer told reporters as he stepped out from a shrubbery patch leading up to the White House, “I get to just shout talking points at you from inside the Oval Office. Sucks to be you guys. Guess you should’ve been nice and kissed my tiny, little angry ass huh?”

Spicer said Trump believes this move will have many benefits. For starters, Spicer says he always feels “stronger and more confident” when he’s near Trump. Spicer says with Trump by his side he “feels like [he has] a big, angry, rabid, foamy-mouthed, honestly pretty stupid dog” by his side, and that no one would “dare mess with” him. By being so close the president and his advisers, it will ensure that Spicer “stays on script” and “pumps the talking points like the president wants to pump his daughter.”

“Also,” Spicer told reporters, “this way the president and Steve Bannon can keep a much tighter loosh-lash-lish-LEASH on me. I can’t go careening off a cliff in the press briefing if there is no press briefing. Pretty clever, I have to say. Write that down. That I was very clever. WRITE THAT THE FUCK DOWN, THAT I WAS SUPER DUPER CLEVER, YOU JERK MOUTHED JERKS!”

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If the daily press shoutings don’t take off, Spicer said the president has a “couple of other ideas in mind.”

“If this doesn’t work, the president says we may just delete the First Amendment from the Constitution,” Mr. Spicer indicated, “because he says that you guys are all really mean poopy heads to him, and nowhere in the First Amendment does it say you can do that. Just because it promises a free press doesn’t mean you’re just, like, free to report what you want, guys. Don’t be rude. You’re so rude. GOSH.”

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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