Bar Employee Who Spat on Eric Trump Currently Leads 2020 Polls

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — President Trump’s most intelligent son named Eric was reportedly spat on by a bar employee of a Chicago eatery last night. According to published accounts, the female who spit in Mr. Trump’s face was detained by Secret Service but has since been released.

“Eric was out to dinner on business, when a waitress … spit in his face,” the Trump Organization representative said in an email. Secret Service and Chicago police “immediately apprehended her and held her in handcuffs for approx(imately) two hours. Chicago PD was intending on pressing charges however Eric directed them not to and she was let go.” (Chicago Tribune)

InstaPoll, a leading polling company, conducted a snap survey of over 1500 Americans using landlines and cell phone. According to the results, the employee who spat in Eric’s Trump face now leads all contenders from either party for the 2020 presidential election. 

“What we found is that by a huge margin, people want this employee to be the next president more than anyone else,” InstaPoll’s Cheryl Thompson told us via Skype. “The employee beats Eric’s father 85-15%. They beat Joe Biden 75-25%, and they even beat out Elizabeth Warren, 65-35%.”

Thompson says the results aren’t all that surprising.

“Given that most people would pay for the opportunity to spit in any Trump’s face, I don’t think people around the office are too shocked about these results,” Thompson confirmed. “From all the comments we heard, people are really looking for someone who’s not only willing to stand up to the Trumps with words, but with actions as well. Seems like maybe Nancy Pelosi should pay attention to how angry people are, but let’s not go expecting Democrats to take action or anything insane like that.”

The White House surprisingly has not issued any statements about the incident. There have been some calls for the bar employee to be summarily executed from various pundits in the conservative media sphere. Rush Limbaugh said that the “attack was a direct assault on all our freedom” and that “this person clearly cares more about innocent kidnapped brown babies than rich, white trust fund racists.”

“And that’s just sad, ladies and gentlemen, just sad,” Limbaugh said. “Which reminds me, I need to smash up some oxy and snort it. Back after these message from MyPillow and Stormfront.”

Rep. Louis Gohmert (R-TX) told reporters that he thinks House Democrats are “abandoning their duty” by focusing more on oversight of the Trump administration than on Eric being spit on.

“Quite frankly, this is proof that the Deep State cabal of Mueller’s angry Democrats goes all the way to the bottom of the service industry,” Gohmert said on Fox & Friends this morning, “and if you’re not concerned about this heinous attack, then there is something wrong with you.”

Just before publication of this story, President Trump tweeted and then quickly deleted a remark about his son being spit upon.

“Do people really think being the lazy, aloof, entitled, spoiled, complicit mouthpiece of mass scale human rights violations is worthy of a little spit in the face? Sad,” Trump tweeted. “Obviously we’re going to have to suspend the election next year until we get to the bottom of this.”

Another story: Fully Aroused Mike Pence Just Staring At Maps Of Alabama, Georgia, Ohio, And Missouri

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This