South Carolina Lets Death Row Inmates Choose Execution by Spending Five Minutes With Ted Cruz

COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA — In the Palmetto State, it’s become quite difficult for authorities to execute inmates on death row. Anti-capital punishment advocates successfully lobbied pharmaceutical companies who sell the drugs necessary for a lethal injection style execution to stop providing those chemicals to the state, and as such, over the past few years, the ability to put inmates to death has been dramatically curtailed.

This week, South Carolina made headlines when officials decided that, in order to clear a backlog of executions, they would change the way the death penalty works in their state. Inmates would no longer be defaulted to a lethal injection, and instead would be given a choice between two extremely old forms of capital punishment — firing squad, or the new default, electrocution. Today, the state announced that, in response to concerns about using more archaic forms of execution raising questions about violating the Constitution’s ban on cruel and unusual punishments, they would be offering death row inmates a non-violent form of execution.


“Beginning next week, all inmates on South Carolina’s death row will be given three distinct options from which to choose their own mortal end,” a statement from the South Carolina Department of Justice reads. “Inmates will be allowed to choose death by electrocution, firing squad, or spending five minutes with Ted Cruz, alone, which is said to be enough to kill even the strongest-willed.”

South Carolina believes that Ted Cruz is a “safe, effective way to kill someone, or at the very least make them wish they were dead.” The desire to get away from Cruz as quickly as possible, might even be enough to inspire a death row inmate to kill themselves, potentially saving the state money on the attendant costs involved with more traditional forms of capital punishment.

“It sounds uncouth, sure, but when you’re already talking about taking a human life with the authority of the state,” South Carolina Deputy Junior Attorney General Tom Thompaulsen told reporters this morning, “sometimes things get a little, well, crass. The bottom line is that spending even a minute alone with Ted Cruz can make you want to kill yourself, so why not give the inmates a cyanide capsule right before they go into the room with him, just in case they want to take matters into their own hands?”

Sen. Cruz (Q-Cancun) tweeted that he is “humbled and honored” by the new South Carolina death row policy.

“The one person who will be extremely happy about this is Heidi, you know, my extremely ugly wife,” Cruz tweeted. “Because she seems pretty pumped about anything that takes me out of the home and puts me literally anywhere else. I wonder why that is. I wonder why she just got a wax and bought a bunch of new sexy undergarments when we haven’t had sexual congress in quite some time. But anyway, that’s a tweet for another time.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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