GOAT WIND, TEXAS — Sources in Senator Ted Cruz’s home state are telling us at time of publication that Cruz is hiding a “terrible secret” that “could ruin his political career.”
“Senator Cruz is such a douche he doesn’t even like The Beatles,” a Cruz aide, speaking on condition of Mountain Dew and Doritos, told us via email. She said that “the wold can tell he’s a turbo-douche” when Cruz “talks about guns, God, New York liberals, or pretty much you know, any time his mouth is moving and food isn’t being shoveled into the gaping maw.”
The anonymous aide said a little later in her email that the Cruz campaign had conducted internal polling and found that 85% of the Republican households they called “didn’t mind at all” Cruz’s stances on gay marriage being evil, climate change being not that big a deal, and the poor not needing health care, but that once they asked if they’d vote for a candidate who didn’t like The Beatles, “even Republicans, who hate virtually everything and everyone not them or not related to them” would not, according to the aide.
“We had one respondent tell us that Senator Cruz had better not say that he doesn’t like The Beatles in front of her, because she’d smack his mouth of his slimy face,” the aide said, “because people really love the Beatles, but they barely tolerate Cruz…if he’s the only candidate left…and if they haven’t died in a fire or some other preferable fate than voting for him hasn’t happened before Election Day.”
Reached for comment, the other Republican primary contenders wasted no time raking Cruz over the coals.
“I’m a big, bloviating idiot who in 2017 still thinks pot is evil,” New Jersey Governor Chris Christie told the media, “and I still like The Beatles. Do we really want the kind of asshole who doesn’t like ‘I am the Walrus’ having the nuclear launch codes? I don’t think so.”
Cruz has told his staff he doesn’t like The Beatles because he “still hasn’t forgiven that Lennon creep for the Jesus comment,” referring to the 1966 controversy when the late-Beatle quipped that his band had become more popular among British teenagers than Christianity. The comment touched-off a firestorm of anti-Beatle sentiment in the United States and sources in the Cruz campaign say that while the Canadian-Cuban-Texan wasn’t born until about four years after Lennon made the comment, Cruz still feels personally wounded.
“Look, I was only three when Roe vs. Wade came down, and I have fought tirelessly my whole adult life against it,” Cruz is said to have told one staffer, “so yeah, even though I wasn’t even alive when he said it, I’m offended for Baby Jesus that Lennon said it, so no, I don’t like the Beatles.”
Co-President Trump, whose press Secretary recently intimated that the administration might start clamping down on states that have legalized recreational marijuana, was asked for comment on Cruz’s alleged beef with the Fab Four.
“That’s really unfortunate. Yooge problem for Ted, yooge.,” Trump said, “I of course was in the Beatles for a brief time, being the winner I am. I was also in the Rolling Stones, landed on the moon and this is my real hair.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.