President Acknowledges He Had to Buy His Sons’ Way Into Trump University

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last year, America was rocked by a scandal involving a few dozen highly-connected, wealthy parents essentially bribing college officials into admitting their children. Two of the biggest names involved are actresses Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin, who were both arrested in connection with the FBI sting operation.

The president’s third-smartest son, Donald Jr., took to Twitter to mock Huffman and Loughlin once news had broken.

However, the second most intelligent person to be named Donald Trump perhaps should have held his tweets, because today in the Oval Office, his father let it slip that he didn’t “see what the big deal” about this case is. The president said “everyone bribes colleges for their extremely dopey children.” Then the president let quite a large cat out of the bag himself.

“I’m all for punishing liberals out in Hollywood, California. They didn’t give me a single Electoral College vote,” Trump told reporters today. “However, if I’m being honest, I don’t get what all the fuss is. I had to bribe Trump University to let both Eric and Don Jr. in.”

The Oval Office went quiet.

“It’s not like Capt. Stupid and Commander Moron were going to get into any colleges on their own,” Trump said. “I bought their grades; I know what they really would have gotten without my money. It was either bribe Trump University, or they’d be stuck with the other degrees they didn’t earn from other colleges I bribed for them.”

President Trump says that when he created Trump University, he enrolled both his adult sons in courses because they are “both so monumentally stupid.”

“I mean, I’m dumb as a box of hammers, but Eric is dumber than the hammers, and Don Jr. can’t even spell box if you give him a ‘B-O’ head start,” Trump mused. “I figured more book learning couldn’t hurt, so when we started Trump U, I thought they’d make a great freshman class.”

However, Trump’s plans to enroll his sons in his new college hit a snag.

“But my plan to enroll my sons in my new college hit a snag,” Trump declared, “when the university reminded me that both my sons are super-duper dumb.”

So, Trump did what any well-connected, rich father would do — he paid bribes on sons’ behalf.

“You don’t think we just started committing white collar crimes, do you? Don’t be silly, this is old hat for us,” Trump said. “And I don’t regret it. I think every dime I paid really made them much, much more smarterer.”

Donald Trump Jr. was contacted for comment.

“Oh wow! You mean Daddy talked about me?! I’ve been trying to get him to notice me forever,” Junior told us. “That’s awesome! Woohoo! Wait. He called me what? What’s that mean? I’m gonna have to have Eric or Mom-Vanka explain it to me, but I’m still really jazzed that Daddy said my name!”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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