WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Obama’s naked socialist agenda took another step forward in February of 2015 as the capitalist, free-market economy that he oversees added another 295,000 jobs that month, bringing the Labor Department’s estimate of the unemployment rate in the United States to 5.5%, a number not seen since well before the 2007-2008 economic restructuring that President George W. Bush oversaw on his way out of the White House. This would mark the twelfth consecutive month that Obama’s socialist agenda has seen jobs growth numbers of 200,000 or more, and that has America’s patriotic defenders of free market capitalism — Congressional Republicans — extremely nervous.
“If this tyrant king we have in the Oval Office now isn’t stopped in his tracks,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) at a D.C. area Dunkin’ Donuts, “we could have the nightmare scenario next month of unemployment being at 5.3%, or heaven forbid, 5.2%. Americans have to ask themselves if their president’s socialist agenda is worth seeing the unemployment drop to rates that would make any Republican president salivate with glee.”
Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) at his daily morning press conference held outside his favorite bar, The Coolidge Cooler, said that “Comrade Obama has once again struck a blow against freedom, God, and every member of the Armed Forces who has ever fought for our liberties,” he paused to sip a highball, “and if we’re not careful, this president’s economy will just keep adding jobs, and is that really what we want — a Democrat president being successful?”
Rep. Louie Gohmer (R-TX) echoed Boehner’s concerns. “The worst possible thing for the Republican Party, which of course means it’s the worst thing for America because real Americans are Republicans, would be for this socialist Democrat to keep up what he’s up to,” Gohmert told reporters outside his congressional office. “It’s like Clinton all over again. We know in our Republican hearts that the economy is doing terribly, but all these historically-accepted milestones and markers of economic health are pointing in the opposite direction,” lamented the Texas Republican.
“I don’t care that we’ve used the same measuring stick for the last few decades,” said Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) as he lifted weights in front of reporters not at a gym, but just out in front of the rotunda, “someone in this administration is cooking the books.” Ryan went on to say that, “If you cherry pick here, slice out this group of people here, and completely change the way unemployment has been traditionally calculated, you see that the real, Republican-computed unemployment rate is 145%.”
Not every Republican dusted off their economics degrees to weigh-in on the February jobs numbers. Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) said to reporters, “Look, I’m not an economist. I can’t speak with any certainty on this beyond what my gut tells me.” Rubio’s gut, he said, tells him that “Obama’s a communist” and “the numbers look too good for a Democratic president.”
“I think it’s very obvious what this socialist’s agenda is,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “First, he takes away our unemployment rate, next he takes away our guns. Just like Hitler did,” the elderly Kentuckian pronounced.
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) wasn’t concerned so much with Obama’s socialist economic news. “I just want to know why we haven’t started bombing Iran yet,” said McCain. “I’d also like to know why we aren’t bombing North Korea, Russia, China, Mexico, Canada, The Ottoman Empire, or New Hampshire yet.” When asked specifically about the economy, McCain said, “You know what’s economical? Killing lots of people with just one bomb.”
Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC) and Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) held a joint press conference to announce they would be petitioning Speaker Boehner to allow them to open an official congressional inquiry. “We want to know,” Issa said, “where this administration is hiding the unemployment percentage.” Issa said he and Gowdy “are suspicious of a number that has grown steadily smaller over the last six years” and that “the American people are owed answers as to just where this socialist president is hiding the unemployment percentage points that have dropped off since he took office.”
“This is bigger than Benghazi, IRSghazi, Fast and Furiousghazi, Solyndraghazi, and Ghazighazighazi,” said Gowdy. “The case of the missing unemployment percentage points will not go unsolved. We will spare no expense. We will turn over every leaf, every stone. We will subpoena thousands of emails and complain about it when they are delivered. We will stop at nothing to expose this communist and his anti-American agenda for all to see.”
“The bottom line is simple,” said Boehner. “We don’t care how good the numbers look. There’s a Democrat in the White House, and like Clinton before him, we will hem, haw, cherry pick and cast doubt on every single shred of economic data that looks promising, even though the last three Republican presidents dreamed of economic growth numbers like this, and actually all left the economy either teetering on or in the depths of a recession,” Boehner sipped from his Bloody Mary, “and come Hell or high-water — that mankind had nothing to do with bringing about by the way — we will deep-six this president and convince our voters to ignore their eyes and ears and focus solely on our rhetoric.
You know, like good Patriotic Americans do.”