VALLE DE LAS CHICHIS, CALIFORNIA — Candy Sparkles is not her real name, but in her line of work, she needs a pseudonym, and it’s what she chose to be the name to start her career as a stripper with, fifteen years ago. Now, 33 years old and under COVID-19 quarantine told viewers of her Instagram stories today that she’s begun to think about what life will be like when or if her state lets up on the quarantine, and the strip club she works at opens back up.
“I figure that for at least a little while, until we have a vaccine, things will have to be run differently at the club,” Candy told her Instagram followers yesterday. “I bet they still have us practicing some kind of social distancing with each other. Which can be problematic to say the least when it comes to giving a good lap dance.”
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Because she fully anticipates drastic changes in how workers in her industry will have to conduct their business, Candy says she’s been focusing on lap dances. For the uninitiated, a lap dance is when a stripper grinds her buttocks on a patron’s crotch zone in a one-on-one setting, and there are even “private” dances behind a curtain or in a separate room that strip club customers can avail themselves of. However, in the COVID-19 world we live in now, Candy says she’s practicing giving a lap dance, which is traditionally given in extremely intimate situations, under much different guidelines.
“I’ve started working on giving a lap dance from about six feet away from the client,” Candy told us. “I know that they could maybe tell us we can give lap dances up close again as long as we’re wearing a mask, but frankly I don’t really like getting all that close to some of our patrons under the very best of circumstances.”
To help her practice, Candy says she’s invited one of her regulars to her apartment — something she’d never do pre-COVID. However, Candy says that Todd has been “really polite” the whole time he’s helped her practice social distancing lap dances. In fact, Candy says she’s really glad she invited Todd to help her, because he’s the one that proved to her long distance lap dances could work.
“Yeah, I still came in my pants even though she was six feet away,” Todd told us. “I’ve always had a hair trigger in my trousers anyway, but I don’t know…for whatever reason, I still got super horny and hard when the titties were in the same room, even though they were way outta my reach.”
Just in case there are even stricter guidelines in place when strip clubs start opening back up for business, Candy says she’s been working on some other ideas as well.
“I’ve also started to practice my sets wearing full PPE and hazmat suits under my clothes instead of being naked,” Candy explained. “I know that might not sound too sexy to some of our customers, but I think a few of the real doomsday preppin’ freaks that come in will really dig the look.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.