Smug Asshole: ‘Ringo’s The Least Talented Of All The Knights’

This week, Her Royal Highness the Queen of England knighted living legend Richard Starkey, who is known affectionately around the world as Ringo Starr. Ringo becomes the second Beatle to receive the high honor from Queen Elizabeth. The other knighted Beatle is Sir Paul McCartney. All four Beatles received MBE awards — Most Excellent Order of the British Empire back in the 1960’s at the height of Beatlemania. The Beatles returned the medals, however, in protest of their country’s support of the war in Vietnam.

The late George Martin, the famed producer and engineer who helped make the Beatles the legends they are today was also knighted before he passed. Mr. Starr joins fellow rock and rollers Elton John, Mick Jagger, Van Morrison, and Rod Stewart as having been entered into the highest honor a non-royal citizen of the UK can receive.  Ringo has had an illustrious career that has spanned nearly six decades, and many feel his knighthood was a long time coming.

Many people, that is, except Lucas George, a 39 year old American man who believes that Ringo not only doesn’t deserve to be made a knight, but that he is the least talented of all the knights, ever.

“And I’m not talking about just the rockers, okay? I mean going back, like, centuries,” George told us via Skype. “I’m sorry, but I just have to call it like I see it, and the truth is that Ringo is certainly the least talented of all knights, especially when you listen to some of the works of Renaissance knights and the jazz knights of the Roaring Twenties were really something.”

George spoke of knights such as Sir William Terfilliger Jones, who Mr. George says “could joust circles around Ringo.”

“Sir Gallahad the Brave was known as one hell of a moat jumper with his horse, back in the mid-thirteenth century,” Lucas said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Ringo hop a single moat on his trusty steed. I’m just saying that there are better knights out there, that’s all I’m saying.”

Lucas didn’t just point out other knights that he feels showed more bravery or skill on the battlefield. He played for us several “deep cuts” from knights who also happened to be drummers, all of whom George tells us were better than Ringo was “on his best day.”

“There was this one guy, Sir Skip Reginald Bowls, and he practically invented the para-diddle,” George said. “Then there’s Sir Smoky Williams, who could lay down the sickest beats! Both of them were more talented than Ringo on his best day!”

George concedes, however, that his own pedigree and CV might not look as impressive “on paper” as Ringo’s, but that fact is irrelevant, he said.

“Well, sure, I’ve never been in the most successful rock band of all time, or worked with one of the greatest rock musicians of time, let alone dozens and dozens over a long career,” George said. “And I haven’t been knighted, but I can assure you that if I was, I’d be more talented than Ringo.”

Lucas told us that even though he hasn’t “done anything remotely as important” as Ringo Starr has, that won’t stop him from “pointing out the truth.”

“Of course I haven’t done anything remotely as important in my nearly 40 years as Ringo did before he was 28, but that doesn’t mean I’m not entitled to my opinion,” Lucas said emphatically.

Sir Ringo Starr did not comment on this article.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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