Smoky Bear Decides To Start Packing Heat For All Future School Appearances

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When President-Elect Donald Trump’s pick for his education secretary testified in her Senate confirmation hearing, many in the press and on social media were extremely amused and bemused by one of her answers to a question about guns on school campuses. Betsy DeVos, a member of a billionaire family that has spent hundreds of millions of dollars donating to Republican candidates over the years, told senators that she believes some schools may need to allow guns on their campuses because they live in wooded, rural areas and may need to fend of a bear attack.

While many laughed at the suggestion, there was one fellow who took DeVos at her word, and became immediately concerned for his life.

“I’ve been visiting schools for decades,” Roger “Smoky” Bear told reporters at a press conference outside the National Forestry Service’s D.C. headquarters, “and I’ve never once felt scared for my life. But after hearing Ms. DeVos’ confirmation hearing testimony, one thing is for certain — the Trump years are going to be real different from every other administration. And I’m not so sure that’s a good thing.”

Mr. Bear indicated to reporters that while he’s still going to be touring the country and speaking to young students about preventing forest fire, he has to “be realistic” about “our changing times.”

“So effective January 20th, 2017,” Bear said, “I will start bringing a firearm with me to every single school visit I do. I have a right under the Second Amendment to carry a gun, and if you think about it, I have a double right since it says the right to bear arms shall not be infringed.”

Smoky said he will be “reasonable” about the kind of gun he chooses to carry.

“I’m not some gun nut,” Mr. Bear said, “and I’m only doing this for my own piece of mind. So I’ll probably just go with a basic semi-automatic AR-15 style firearm. You can’t ever to be too certain you’ll have enough ammo to take out the fourth grade teacher popping off shots at you, so I’ll be sure to get an extended magazine as well.”

The Forestry Service has announced that it approves of Smoky’s plan. Mr. Bear said that there is one problem with his plan that he hasn’t quite worked out yet. He’s not sure when he’ll have a chance to take range lessons to improve his aim.

“But I kinda figure that I’ll be like a lot of other American gun owners,” Smoky said, “I’m buying a gun out of baseless paranoia and without really understanding much more about it other than I point, shoot, and hopefully hit what I think I’m aiming at. I don’t know, I’ll figure it out as I go. That’s the Trump way, anyway, so why fight it?”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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