In 1944, the United States Forestry Department unveiled their new mascot — Smokey The Bear — and within three years Smokey was seen uttering his famous catchphrase, “Only YOU can prevent forest fires.” Now, more than sixty years after his creation, Smokey’s catchphrase is getting a modern update.
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“Beginning immediately, USFS will begin printing new signs, posters, banners, and fliers with Smokey Bear’s new slogan, ‘Only YOU Give a Shit About Your Baby’s Gender!’ The materials should start getting delivered all across the country sometime this week,” Forest Ranger Burt Thompson said during a press conference today. “Smokey lives a life dedicated to teaching Americans fire prevention tips, and apparently we live in a time where people feel the need to shoot of fucking fireworks to announce when their gestating baby — one of literally billions on the planet — has identifiable genitals.”
Over the weekend, investigators announced that an errant pyrotechnic device set off during a “gender reveal party” was the cause of a massive fire that destroyed thousands of acres and scorched its way toward untold millions in damage.
Surveillance video from the party showed a couple with several children walking into the grass at the edge of the El Dorado Ranch Park in Yucaipa. Another person is seen in the video appearing to light the device. Soon after, the family can be seen on video scrambling and grabbing water bottles as the flames grow. (CNN)
“To be clear, the forest service and indeed Smokey himself are not saying that no one cares about your baby,” Thompson reiterated. “What we are saying is that you’re the only one who cares enough about their pee-pee or who-ha to even consider making a big deal out of it, before they’re born! All we’re asking is for people to think about how much pomp and circumstances a tiny little set of sexual organs really warrants, and to keep in mind the vast majority of us will never meet your kid, so who gives a fuck about their private parts?”
Thompson indicated that Smokey will start making visits to companies all over the country, just like he does to schools, to teach people “how to prevent fires.”
“In schools, we’ll teach kids not to play with matches and things like that,” Thompson explained. “When we show up at a business, we’ll talk to the staff about how none of us give a fuck about their baby’s genitals, and how pretentious and stupid it is to think such an occasion warrants fireworks.”
Ranger Thompson reminded Americans that “people found out their babies genders” without having big parties and pyrotechnics for many, many years “without any major fires starting” because of it.
“So the thing is — we’re sure you’re going to be excited to find out if your baby is a little bundle of male or female joy,” Thompson conceded. “What we’re asking you to have is some perspective. Your baby isn’t a king. It isn’t a deity. It’s one of several billion people on this planet, so maybe take the genital celebrations down a couple notches.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.