LAKE TALLAWAKUR, FLORIDA — Though he says at this point he’s “about 85 to 90 percent sure” about his recent smartphone purchase, the truth is that Skip Malloy just isn’t all the way convinced. However he says within the next couple of hours he should have the final piece of the puzzle in place.

“Well, it’s Saturday night and I’m going to the bar with my boys later,” Skip told us. “That means for sure we’re gettin’ fucked up, and that means for sure I will be looking to get LAY-AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-D! Which means for sure I am coming home alone.”

And when he gets home, inebriated after a long night of drinking, 42 year old Malloy says he usually ends up scrolling through Facebook on his smartphone. Most times he microwaves a 99 cent frozen pizza, opens another light domestic American lager, and visits a handful of profiles of women he has dated or fantasized about dating in his life. Skip comes awfully close to directly messaging some of them, but in the wee hours of the morning, even with a healthy amount of cheap beer in his blood stream, he still can’t overcome the fact that they all hate him.

“Yeah, I don’t have what you’d call a stellar track record with the ladies,” Skip says. “Some might say it’s because I treat them like subservient beings who are only here to serve my every wont and whim. Others might say it’s because my personal hygiene is, well, inconsistent to put it extremely charitably. Still others attribute it to my penchant for blaming every woman I’ve ever dated for all my personal insecurities that were deeply embedded in my psyche by my emotionally abusive and yet somehow also absent parents.”

Skip took a long drag from his Marlboro.

“Maybe they were all just bitches,” Skip shrugs. “Whatever. It doesn’t really matter now, prolly.”

To sate his persistent, percolating, pestering sexual impulses, Malloy says every so often he resorts to sending a random female acquaintance an unbidden digital image of his phallus. He’s not proud of it, he says, but nevertheless, uninvited penile photos are something he has sent on several occasions.

“Over the years I’ve come to really be an expert on which angles and lighting situations showcase my leathery shaft and kind of strangely dented helmet,” Skip says. “I have a really awful looking dick, truth to be told. So it takes very precise photographic conditions to take a decent dick pic, and frankly I need a top of the line smartphone to achieve my desired results.”

Skip says that he will update us as to how the first unsolicited cock shot goes, and whether he keeps his new smartphone.

“I really need my unwanted phallic still-lifes to elicit real, strong, visceral reactions in the people who see them,” Skip says. “I need a phone with a camera that can capture a picture of my dick so revolting, unnecessary, and downright gag inducing that she considers filing a restraining order the very next day. Hopefully this new Atari 6900 gets the job done. Fingers crossed.”

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