WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President “Sleepy” Joe Biden shocked millions of cultists still reeling from the stinging rebuke Biden’s racist, incompetent, corrupt predecessor got at the ballot box last November, and woke up.

Over the course of the presidential campaign season, Biden’s predecessor repeatedly referred to him as “Sleepy.” It’s still unclear at this time how the previous president knew about Biden’s propensity to enjoy a nap at least twelve times a day, however once he had this knowledge, it was obvious that he wanted to pillory the former Vice President with it. By Election Day, Biden had embraced his sleepy nature and started to refer to himself at times as “Sleepy Me.”

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“Today, President ‘Sleepy’ Joe Biden awoke from his nightly slumber,” White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki announced from the press briefing room. “The conditions of the president is quite stable at this time, as he’s had his morning tea and a healthy, protein packed breakfast.”

Not only did Sleepy Joe wake up this morning, Psaki announced, he also began to do something else that his opponent’s supporters tried to smear him for.

“At the same time that President Sleepy Joe woke up, he began sniffing around,” Psaki said, “and he noted how fresh and clean and unlike Big Macs and Chicken McNuggets it smelled in the White House. The president asked me to publicly extend his unending thanks to the White House fumigation crew for erasing all the odiferous traces of the previous administration so thoroughly.”

The angry orangutan who held Biden’s obvious for the previous four years made quite a reputation for himself as someone willing to break with norms and traditions to blaze his own path, destructive as it may or may not have been. Yesterday, Biden showed that he too is willing to break with presidential traditions. When asked how big he thought his inaugural crowd size, as we reported yesterday, the president indicated his complete apathy for the subject.

“I have no idea how many people were there, Squirt, and I don’t see myself caring about it any time soon. I’m sorry. I just don’t give a shit,” Biden explained. “It’s not the size of your crowd, Jack, it’s what you do with it that counts!” (The Pastiche Post)

President Biden was feeling “tired” but not quite ready for a nap by the time of publication.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.