Singapore Installing Advanced Anti-Fat Fascist Douchebag Defense Systems

SINGAPORE — When he announced that his historic summit with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un will take place in Singapore later this summer, many throughout the world adopted a position of extremely cautious optimism, but not the government of Singapore itself.

“We have begun hasty work on building a force field around Singapore that will keep out all fat fascist douchebags,” Sinapore’s government said in a written statement released overnight. “We implore all fat fascist douchebags who are or might be planning to hold peace summits here to find somewhere — literally anywhere — other than our country to host them.”

After months of publicly taunting each other, Un and Trump have agreed to sit down and discuss a complete de-nuclearization of the Korean peninsula. In a show of good faith, Un allowed the release of three Americans held by North Korea for crimes against the state. Because North Korea has made overtures toward peace and de-nuclearizing in the past, only to rescind those overtures later, many remain doubtful as to what lasting, concrete agreements might be forged between Trump and Un.

Singapore has put its top scientists to the task of developing a force field that will repel fat, fascist douchebags from their borders as a result of the upcoming summit, the leader reads. Though they do not wish to start any wars with any country, Singapore cites an “urgent need for separation from pudgy little pricks” in the development of this new technology. Singapore warns they will have to turn the force field on if Un and Trump can’t find somewhere else to hold their summit.

“Maybe your peace talks will go bigly, maybe they won’t,” Singapore writes, “but no matter what, we don’t want them here. Let’s face it, the chances of two of you obese, thundering, bombastic assholes getting through this talk without one or both of you storming off in a huff, throwing a tantrum, and causing more global strife are much thinner than you will ever be.”

Singapore’s statement implores Un and Trump to find another location for their meeting.

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“Might we suggest one of your colons,” the letter reads, “as you fat, fascist douchebags all seem to be so far up your own asses anyway, it might just save time to hold your peace summit up one of your butts.”

The government of Singapore even floats the idea of paying to have the peace summit held elsewhere.

“How about we give you guys some money to hold your meeting at a Shaky’s Pizza down the street from the White House or something? Don’t give us this crap about you’re already rich and don’t need money,” Singapore writes. “You don’t have to pay back lawyers for hush money in installments if you’re rich…or we guess you could just be hiding the payments from the public but that would be illegal, and well, you wouldn’t do anything illegal, would you, Comrade?”

The White House has not responded to Singapore’s request.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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