Sinema and Gabbard Form The Desperate to Stay Relevant Party

Photo by MICHAEL REYNOLDS/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock (12159227f)

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Less than twelve hours after announcing that she had left the Democratic Party, Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (Attention-AZ), announced that she and another former Democrat were teaming up to form their own, brand new political party.

“Umm, like, so check it guys, I’m so, like, totally stoked to make this announcement right now,” Sinema said while draped in designer fabrics, her hair perfectly cut and colored by a $400 an hour stylist. “If there is one thing the people who voted for me know, it’s that there is one thing that motivates me. One thing that truly drives me.”

Sinema then gave a signal, and a massive spotlight was rolled out while the the rest of the lights in the room went dark. The spotlight turned on, bathing Senator Sinema in a beam so bright, one might think it was encrusted with diamonds purchased using campaign donations from Wall Street donors.

“ATTENTION! I fucking love attention, guys! It’s so great to know that people are talking about me,” Sinema said, smiling from ear to ear, which were adorned with expensive, designer earrings, “and so you can imagine how excited I was when I got a call from Tulsi Gabbard last night! Especially when I found out what she was calling about.”

According to Sinema, former Congresswoman Gabbard (Moscow) called her to discuss whether the Arizona independent would like to form a brand new political party. Sinema told reporters she first made sure Gabbard was as committed to being the center of attention as she is.

“To my surprise, Tusli proved to be just as big an attention starved, cynical asshole as I am,” an excited Sinema said as she shifted in her $1000 heels. “All we had to do is come up with a name for our party, and it didn’t even take us long to come up with that.”

Sinema snapped her fingers and a large banner unfurled behind her.

“We have a lot of work ahead of us, but by 2024, we think The Desperate to Stay Relevant Party will truly be a force to be reckoned with,” Sinema said, “and if it isn’t, who cares? We will find another way to get me the attention I need.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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