For the last six weeks, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani — whose only role in society now is to be President Donald Trump’s drunken, self-dick-fondling fixer — has been colluding with three other Trump campaign lawyers to baselessly accuse everyone under the sun of participating in a conspiracy to rob Trump of a second term. As best as this outlet can tell, the arguments made by the attorneys amount to a case being made that since they don’t feel like he lost, surely Trump could not have.
One of the lawyers who has stood with Giuliani as he literally melted under the heat of the situation was a rat-faced scarecrow named Sidney Powell. If one doesn’t spend much time on 4Chan or 8kun they might not recognize the sun-faded onion skinned attorney. However, if readers follow American politics and current events, they might recognize her as the attorney who is also representing Gen. Michael Flynn, a former Trump administration official set to go to prison for lying to the FBI about contacts with the Russian government.
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Powell is very clearly attempting to steal the election for Trump, even as vote tallies show her boss was defeated thoroughly. If someone is going to steal, or even attempt to steal an election, the American public deserves to know some fun facts about that person, especially if that person is a tinfoil hat wearing, rat-faced scarecrow.
Here now are five super-duper fun facts about Sidney Powell, the rat-faced scarecrow attempting to steal our election.
#1. Sidney Sold Out Dorothy, Toto and Their Friends to the Wicked Witch of the West
Many people are familiar with the story of “The Wizard of Oz,” but many Americans might not also know the role Sidney played in the plot. After Dorothy and Toto befriend the Scarecrow, Powell becomes jealous that he didn’t scare them off with conspiracy theories and his breath that smells like broccoli farts like hers does. So she contacted the Wicked Witch and told her where to send her flying monkeys, which ironically is how Sidney ended up meeting Rudy Giuliani.
#2. Sidney Was the Inspiration for 14 Different Star Wars Alien Species
Yes, Sidney is a rat-faced scarecrow, but she’s also very weird looking in general, and could easily pass for a creature from another planet. And George Lucas knew that about her, so that’s why he hired Sidney to sit as a character model at Industrial Light and Magic back in 1976. Powell was the inspiration for more than a dozen different aliens that are seen in the Star Wars franchise.
3. Sidney Farts Almost Non-Stop
A lot of folks wouldn’t know this, but one of the unavoidable side-effects of spending your life chasing wacky conspiracy theories is you end up with a case of Incessant Farting Syndrome. It’s a very rare but very real disease that impacts only the stupidest among us.
4. Sidney’s Family Tree Has Just One Branch
The story of Sidney’s life technically began when two siblings and star-crossed lovers got together over a case of Natural Ice and a can of Skoal. It did take Sidney well into her 20’s, however, to figure out who, exactly her parents were, because the family reunion she was conceived during was quite the sex party.
5. Sidney Was One of the 9/11 Hijackers, Runs a Pedophile Pizza Ring, and Literally Invented AIDS
None of this is true. In fact, looking back on this entire list, we just now realized that we haven’t given you, our readers, any actual “facts” about Sidney Powell. Then again, we’re sure Sidney won’t mind us spreading baseless rumors and lies about her, because game recognize game, right? Making up totally bonkers shit is Sid’s MO, so why can’t it be ours, too? If it’s good for the tinfoil wrapped goose, it’s good for the Breitbart headline spewing gander.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.