Shocker! Obama Says 57th Time’s the Charm and Will Repeal Obamacare Now

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking development that is sure to take many in the nation by surprise, President Barack H. Obama has reportedly told senior levels of his staff that he will sign a bill repealing the Affordable Care Act as it will be the 57th such attempt and as one source very close to the White House said the president told them, “The 57th time’s the charm on stuff like this.” However, according to other sources, there’s another, more financial reason that Obama will repeal his own signature health care reform — sponsorship.

“I made a deal with the Heinz company before I was re-elected in 2012,” Obama is said to have told one top aide, “and I agreed to wait until the 57th attempt to repeal Obamacare to sign the repeal, and in return I get a lifetime supply of ketchup and cocktail sauce.” If true, President Obama was likely referring to the fact that under the leadership of former Speaker of the House John Boehner, House Republicans tried to repeal Obamacare with 56 separate votes, all of which were stymied in the Senate either while it was under Democratic majority rule, or via filibuster once they lost their majority in the 2014 mid-term elections.

Last week, when newly-minted Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) announced he would put a 57th attempt to repeal the law on the docket, it was widely assumed that it would go the way of all the 56 previous attempts. That, however, aides say was because no one but Obama, George Soros, the Heinz Company, and the ghost of Saul Alinksy knew about the deal the president struck with the condiment monolith. Those same aides are telling reporters that while Obama will be “super O-bummered” to see his most historical achievement erased, he is “super duper excited” that Republicans will finally start tolerating him, with just a few months left to go in his presidential tenure.

“The president most certainly doesn’t want to strip access to health care away from the millions of Americans who got it through the ACA,” one White House staffer told us, “but on the other hand, if Republicans can be in favor of hurting the poorest among us and still win elections, he figured why not try being anti-populist for a day or two, to see how it suits him.” His lame duck status has made him feel “emboldened to do dumb stuff like the Republicans for a change,” another staffer told us.

Ultimately, President Obama feels he may have the biggest ace up his sleeve on this issue, and he’s told some top level officials this. “The president at the end of the day wouldn’t have much problem repealing Obamacare in the last year of his second term,” one very high level official told us, “because he’d just declare Martial Sharia Law, cancel the election, secure himself a third term, and then institute true, single payer healthcare where you are forced to have an abortion every other pregnancy and you have to get gay married to get a prescription filled.”

Speaker Ryan’s office could not be reached for comment.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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