WASHINGTON, D.C. — Capitol Hill is abuzz with frenzied activity after President Barack Hussein Obama — the country’s first president of African descent — when asked at a White House press briefing let a shocking detail slip; a detail that had been a “well-known secret” among conservatives. As a Democrat, Obama told reporters, he is a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
“I’m sure you’ve been arguing with a conservative online before,” Obama told reporters, “and had one of them wag their e-finger in your face about how Democrats are the ones that started the Ku Klux Klan.” Obama said that “while it may be tempting and very easy to point out to these people that the core ideological beliefs of the two parties did a sort of flip-flop” in the 1960’s as part of Richard Nixon’s use of The Southern Strategy to garner votes from segregationist Democrats that were not pleased with how President Lyndon Johnson had pushed for and gotten the Civil Rights Act of 1964 through congress so he could sign it into law, he “simply must come clean” at this time.
Obama explained that as a member of the Democratic Party, he was sent the official Form 1469-KKK that all Democrats receive the first time the register with the party. “We tried to keep that form under wraps for so long,” Obama said, “but Alinksy, Soros and I all knew eventually we’d have to come clean, once the amazing investigative journalism of the folks at Breitbart was brought to bear on us.” President Obama said that while he doesn’t “actively participate” in the Klan meetings and rallies right now since his “job duties are just too time consuming” but that once he’s out he’ll “start helping [his] fellow Democrats plot to keep poor, black people even more addicted to the government as conservatives have known to be right for lo these many years.”
“Even though the vast majority of people waving confederate flags and burning crosses would never vote for me because I’m first a Democrat and secondly have dark skin,” Obama said, “that of course doesn’t mean anything. Conservatives are right. Once a Democrat, always a KKK member. It just goes hand in hand. Don’t listen to so-called historians when they point to the ’68 election as a turning point in the ideologies of the two parties,” he said. “Just assume that times never change,” Obama further said, “and that’s why we still treat the common cold by bleeding patients out, and why we still cling to 239 year old legal doctrine when it comes to pretty much just handing a gun to anyone and everyone.”
President Obama was asked by one reporter from The Dallas Times Register how as a black man he was able to gain membership in a group that hates black people the most out of all the people they hate. “It was easy,” Obama said, “I applied using my white half.”
“Once the Grand Wizard saw that I wasn’t applying with my black half,” Obama said, “but with my white half, he checked my Democratic Party membership card, saw that everything was in order, and handed my robes, hood, and my very first cross to burn!” Mr. Obama said he was “looking forward to sullying the memory of every civil rights marcher” who “helped build the road” he walked down to the presidency by “eschewing common sense, decency and logic in favor of verifying one of the most — up to now — presumed stupid talking points Republicans use.”