FECALBERGH, PENNSYLVANIA — At a hastily thrown together press event this afternoon, 46 year old sewer security guard Mal Starkey issued a heartfelt, sincere apology, and promised he’d “do everything in [his] power” to rectify the situation.
“If I had gotten any inkling that what happened that night would lead to what’s happened since, I would have had six sodas and maybe even tried to hop myself up on cocaine to stake awake. As it is, I fell asleep on the watch, literally, and two turds somehow escaped, and well, the rest is history,” Starkey said somberly.
One night, about two years ago, Starkey came to work and said he was feeling “sleepy” and “extremely drowsy.” He’s never done it since, and he’d never done it before that fateful night, but in this particular instance, Starkey fell asleep while he was supposed to be watching the sewers for any escaping biomatter. What happened when Starkey dozed off is something he says he’ll “never, ever forgive [himself] for.”
“Suddenly, at about three or so in the morning, I snapped awake, because an alarm was going off on my console. Someone I guess had left the back gate open, and two turds — a blonde turd and a brunette one — got out. I found myself waking up just in time to see the blonde one cackling as they got into Steve Bannon’s Winnebago and drove off.”
Still, as shocking as it was to learn that he’d mistakenly let two turds escape the sewer, what happened to those turds next was just as unfathomable and, as Starkey puts it, “absolutely devastating.”
“You can imagine how completely heartbroken I was when I saw not just one, but both turds get elected to the House of Representatives. I guess when Trump got elected it proved that Republicans really will elect any old piece of shit as long as it hates the right groups of Americans.”
Mal says he thinks the two turds are probably “feeling quite at home” as members of Congress.
“I guess on some level it makes sense for those two pieces of shit to work more closely with Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, Tom Cotton, and Matt Gaetz, but it’s still absolutely devastating for me to realize that I helped unleash two diarrhea golems on the country. No apology can ever fix that.”
Mr. Starkey says he hopes that “somebody, somewhere in D.C. has what it takes” to get the two turds out of Congress.
“The good news is that, as turds, all it would take is someone with the courage to pull the handle, and then, KURR-FLUSH, they’d be gone.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.