SETI: Extraterrestrial Signal Is Warning To Earth: “Do Not Let Angry Primates Run The Zoo”

The Internet was abuzz this week as scientists from Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence — known as SETI in the shorthand — announced that they were investigating a signal that could be the most compelling evidence to date that intelligent life exists outside our solar system. Now, a new wrinkle has developed in the story, and SETI is saying they’ve already decrypted portions of the signal. The message contained within, SETI says, seems to be a warning to the people of Earth to “not let angry primates run the zoo.”

“Late last night, one of our techs made a discovery that led to her being able to decipher key elements of the signal,” Dr. Henri Johannes told reporters at a press conference outside SETI’s headquarters this morning, “and the message thus far seems to be an extraterrestrial warning.”

Dr. Johannes presented the media with a rough translation of the extraplanetary signal thus far. In it, a grave warning is repeated.

“Do not let the angry primates run the zoo,” the warning reads, “angry, orange primates can cause much damage. We are too far away to help you. Do not let the angry primates run the zoo. You cannot make anything great again by letting psychotic, racist, angry primates run the zoo. Do not let the angry primates run the zoo.”

There are many theories at SETI currently being bandied about to try and explain what the message means. Dr. Johannes has his own theory, but he said as a scientist he is open to any possibility. He just hopes the signal can be fully translated before it’s too late.

“They really seem to be warning of us dire consequences,” Dr. Johannes said, “and I think that’s something to consider.”

Reporters asked if this signal and its message means once and for all there is intelligent life on other planets. He said he prefers to not think of life forms in terms of intelligence, but rather just sentience.

“If all you ever saw on this planet was the current global alt-right movement of white, European nationalism, you’d be hard pressed to say we have intelligent life here. But the way they are able to put together huge media networks — while decrying them when they’re liberal — and blast out their message day in and day out, you have to say they’re sentient, even if the thoughts they have to share are the scientific equivalent of poo-poo.”

SETI will continue translating the message, Dr. Johannes said, until they can clearly understand it in its entirety. One thing is for certain, though, he said. The life forms who sent us this signal are gravely concerned about “feces throwing, racist primates.”

“The message very clearly at one point warns us that feces throwing, racist primates are too dangerous to give access to nuclear weaponry,” Dr. Johannes said, “so it seems wise to at least listen to what they have to say. Only arrogant douchebags would dismiss the validity of something just because it didn’t come from a certain country or someone with their ideological viewpoints.”

Reached for comment, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) told us that he “didn’t give a crap what some socialis aliens said” because “they ain’t from America so they ain’t can’t possibly be all goodly learned.”

This is a developing story.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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