Sessions ‘Greatly Troubled’ About Legal Recreational Weed And His Ability To Incarcerate Young Black Men

WASHINGTON,  D.C. — This morning, word broke that U.S. Attorney General Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions is rescinding an Obama era policy that gave states the flexibility to allow the sale of recreational marijuana. The decision comes just a day or two after California, and it’s sixth largest economy in the world, began allowing the sale of recreational pot from certain licensed retailers. This morning, Mr. Sessions explained his reasoning a bit further at a press conference held at the Department of Justice.

“There has been a lot of concern about my decision to rescind this policy, instituted by a previous, BLACK administration,” Sessions said, “and I would just like to take this time now to explain why I’m doing this. For starters, I’m old, stubborn, set in my ways, and really love old stereotypes about marijuana that even the slightest bit of experience with it shows are patently false.”

Sessions explained further that he has “grave concerns” and is “deeply concerned” about what the impact of legal weed sales would mean for his department.

“Look, I am greatly troubled and have grave concerns about recreational marijuana and the impact it’ll have on how many young, negroid men I can get into my friends’ private prisons,” Sessions said. “How am I supposed to know who I can arrest and put behind bars for the rest of their lives for a plant when it’s legal all of a sudden?! We all know the great part about the War on Drugs is helped us find a solution to the black problem, and it let us move them from the plantations to the penitentiaries.”

Reports from California during its first week of sales show that the state could be on track for a record amount of revenue. Sessions says that as a conservative, he believes in “small government’ but also believes in “government so small it can crawl through your peephole and spy on what you put in your own body.”

“States rights? People wanna talk about states rights? Where was everyone talking that way when we wanted to keep our slaves, fam? States rights,” Sessions said bitterly, “kiss my ass states’ rights! The bottom line is that allowing adults to do what they want with their own bodies is anti-American, no matter how pro-freedom it is.”

Attorney General Sessions says he got positive feedback from “an old friend” before making this decision.

“My buddy Jim Crow told me this was a great idea,” Sessions said, “and it could drastically reduce unemployment among nig — excuse me, NEGROS…gosh, I was almost racist there for half a second.”

Not all of Sessions’ associates had a positive view of this move, however.

“My old family at the Keebler factory are quite honestly a little mad at me right now,” Sessions admitted. “They projected their sales going through the roof with legal weed. Let me just remind you all that marijuana leads to impure thoughts, crime, drugs, and making babies with brown people. You want that in YOUR America, because I sure has heck don’t want it in mine!”

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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