Sessions Invokes Obscure Clause In Constitution That Says Perjury Only Applies To Democrats

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Jeff Sessions held a rare weekend press conference to announce that he and his top assistant U.S. Attorneys have found an obscure clause in the United States Constitution that defines perjury as lies told under oath only by members of the Democratic Party, not the Republicans.

“I’ve called this press conference today,” Sessions told reporters, “to announce that my staff and I have unearthed a clause in the Constitution that we find, uh, particularly relevant at this juncture in time. We believe this constitutional clause will exonerate me of any wrongdoing in relation to my Senate confirmation hearings wherein I may have told a teeny, tiny, little fib. Under oath.”

Sessions was confirmed as Attorney General despite fierce opposition from African American groups because in 1986 his bid to become a U.S. attorney was stymied over concerns about past comments that painted him an a racist light. At the time, Sessions was asked in a questionnaire and in sworn, verbal testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee that he had no contact with Russia or any Russian diplomats during the course of the campaign. When The Washington Post ran a story directly contradicting his testimony, Sessions then recused himself from any investigations into connections between Russia and the Trump campaign.

“You see, it’s typically known as perjury when you lie under oath,” Sessions said, “but according to this admittedly obscure clause, it don’t count less’n you’re a Demonrat. Excuse me, Democrat. Apparently, Republicans can lie under oath all they want, and it’s totally legal. Good to know, really. I tucked that information along over to the co-presidents, too, just in case, you see.”

Attorney General Sessions told reporters he was taking the opportunity to invoke the clause, and would be sending letters to both the White House counsel as well as Congress informing them as such.

“From this point forward, it will be illegal to accuse me of doing something illegal during my confirmation testimony,” Sessions said, “so let’s just let that sleeping dog lie now, shall we? I have a drug war to escalate. Those black men won’t incarcerate themselves. And I should know. I’ve tried to convince a few to do it.”

Hours later, after the press conference had ended and the press had gotten a chance to scour the Constitution, several emails were sent to the DOJ asking where exactly the clause could be found. Sessions replied to the emails en masse.

“Just, you know,” Sessions wrote, “look a little harder. It’s in there. Somewhere. I promise. Under oath.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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