AG Sessions: U.S. Could Pay For Trump’s Border Wall By Repealing 13th Amendment

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The political fight over President Donald Trump’s southern border wall took another turn today when Attorney General Jeff Sessions suggested a unique way that the wall might be afforded. Many critics on both the left and right of Sessions and Trump have said that the wall is, among many things, too expensive. Sessions said at a prayer breakfast this morning that if Congress were to take the “bold steps” of eliminating the 13th Amendment, the issue of paying for the wall becomes “really quite moot.”

“Well, I do declare,” Sessions told the prayer breakfast attendees, “the Department of Justice has completed preliminary legal analysis that says there’s a solution to the whole problem of paying for the glorious border wall, and if we were take the bold steps necessary, it would become really quite moot almost instantly.”

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Sessions said that “certain obstacles to the most affordable labor possible” are keeping President Trump from realizing his vision.

“Call me crazy,” Sessions said, “but I believe as an American in the power of the free market, and I do not think the American government has a place in setting labor rates, no matter how high or high low. The 13th Amendment is just federal overreach into the private labor market, if you ask me.”

The 13th Amendment took a lot of political maneuvering to get it to President Abraham Lincoln’s desk for signature. Sessions says that he can see how it might take just as much political will power to reverse it. But, he says, the effects could be “absolutely tremendous” for the economy.

“Now, you’ve heard we Republicans tell you year after year that raising the minimum wage will always lead to a spike in unemployment,” Sessions said, “and even though I cannot point to a single, solitary time that has happened, we know it’s truth because we say it’s truth. So just imagine what would happen if Big Brother was no longer in the way, forcing job creators to pay anything at all. All that money saved on labor would certainly trickle on down to the plebs, I’m sure.”

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Mr. Sessions believes he has the support of most members of congress from red states.

“You know, I was looking at a map of the Confederate states,” Sessions said, “or as Grandpappy Grand Wizard Sessions called it, Real America, and it turns out those states have mostly voted for Republicans ever since the 1960’s. So something tells me, they’d be clamoring for a chance to wipe this egregious overstep of federal authority off the books.”

Rep. John Lewis (D-GA), who marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. during the Civil Rights Era and was battered and assaulted for it, released a simple, three-word response to Sessions’ proposal.

“Fuck that shit,” Lewis’ statement read.

This story is developing.


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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