Attorney General Sessions Agrees to Update His Anti-Marijuana Rhetoric Four Decades to the 1970s

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning at a press conference held at the Department of Justice, Attorney General and former Union Leader for the United Keebler Brotherhood, Jeff Sessions told reporters he had “heard the people’s concerns” and will update his rhetoric about marijuana.

“Okay everyone, I get it,” Sessions said at the presser, “I’ve gotta come along with the times. I’m no fool. I will update my rhetoric on marijuana by four decades to the early 1970’s, and you’re all very welcome indeed, I do declare.”

Sessions has long been an adversary of loosening or modernizing federal laws as they pertain to marijuana. He has, in the very recent past, referred to it as a dangerous drug and has even quizzically said that he thought the Ku Klux Klan was “OK until [he] found out they smoked pot.” Other times, Sessions has said that pot “is not the kind of thing that ought to be legalized, it ought not to be minimized, that it’s in fact a very real danger,” and has even flat out said that “good people don’t smoke marijuana.”

RELATED: Donald Trump Jr. To Undergo Plastic Surgery For ‘Chronic Jizz Face’

“I will no longer call people who smoke pot Mexican devils,” Sessions said, “however I will still imply that mostly criminals smoke pot, and being the racist elf I am, I plan to continue to signal to white conservatives that people of color are more likely to be criminals so, the change will be purely in language, not intent. Still, again, you are very welcome, good sirs and ladies of the free — for now — press.”

There are many even within Sessions’ own party that view his stance on marijuana as beyond antiquated. So many states have legalized marijuana medicinally and with no massive spike in crime to correlate, it seems to many that the attorney general’s new lust for stepping up the drug war is simply his own refusal to let go of a failed domestic policy. Others have said it further cements the view that Sessions may have some racial animus as the War on Drugs has been shown to have impacted people of color so much more dramatically and tragically.

“I’m still gonna say it’s more dangerous than alcohol and booze, but I will not call it the Devil’s Weed anymore. I retain the right to conflate racist rhetoric with my war on drugs rhetoric though. After all, you can take the redneck out of Alabama, but you can’t stop using drug laws to punish people of color. I think that’s the saying, anyway. Vlad told me it was…you know what? Never mind that now.”


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This