WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s been a rough week for Senator Dr. Rand Paul. During a TV interview the self-certified ophthalmologist who is presumably seeking the Republican Party’s nomination for the 2016 presidential election, Paul declared that he had “heard” of numerous cases of “walking, talking” children who were then suddenly struck with mental disorders. The statement flies in the face of accepted medical and scientific fact that there is no link between vaccination and mental disorders of any kind. Many in the political world felt this was Paul’s swan dive off into the pool of disqualification, especially considering that is a medical doctor and should presumably know better.
Building on his libertarian beliefs, the Kentucky Republican seems to be ready to double-down on his rhetoric, at least if an anonymously obtained copy of a stump speech draft sent to The Political Garbage Chute comes to fruition.
A source within the Rand Paul 2016 campaign emailed us the following draft of a speech under the condition that we do not reveal his or her name, or any details about their past work with white supremacy groups — from which Rand Paul has recruited campaign staff from in the past.
Eleven score and eighteen years ago, our forefather brought forth a nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. But we are not all equal if the black helicopters of the Government’s Jack-Booted thugs are pounding at the door of every home in God’s Country, U.S.A. demanding that doctors jab their kids with needles.
I have heard horrible, third-or-fourth, maybe even fifth-hand accounts of babies that were so healthy and so brilliant that they were not only walking and talking, but also doing advanced calculus and even doing seminal research on cancer cures, be turned into gelatinous balls of goo-goo-gah-gah after just one vaccination. As a self-certified eye doctor, let me tell you that the way science works, those anecdotal, unconfirmed stories are legitimate scientific fact.
That is why a country dedicated to liberty must preserve the rights of its citizens to make terrible decisions about their children’s health that could have wide-spread consequences for the rest of us. We musn’t let the run-away Federal government with its evil spending addiction get in the way of good, clean, American, scientifically-illiterate patriots keeping vital, life-saving vaccines away from their children. Especially if they are basing this opinion either on ancient mythologies and/or being sold a bill of lies by a debunked and disgraced medical researcher!
This might make me sound like a kook. This might be the thing I say that finally makes people think I’m crazy and nowhere near fit to be President of this great United States of America, but I have a feeling Americans are ready for a straight-talking, squirrel-haired conspiracy nut in the White House, so I’m just going to say it. Parents have a right to make their kids drink AIDS blood if they want, period.
Your kid, your property, your rules.
It’s like it says in my favorite science journal, The Holy Bible, “See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven,” Matthew 18:10. Of course what that verse means is that every parent has a right to put not only their kids’ lives in jeopardy, but all of humanity, because you feel like it. As we all know “Cuz We Feel Like It” was the originally adopted national motto, before “E Pluribus Unum.” It’s very American to something solely because you “just feel like it” and I intend to keep it that way if you elect me Grand Presidential Wizard of these United Stadiums of Americans!
Want to own a rocket launcher “just because?” In Rand Paul’s America, I’ll loan you the cash you need to buy that RPG! Want to dump harmful toxic waste from your company’s factory into the local streams and waterways? I’ll strap on a hazmat suit and help push those toxins into the rivers around your factory for you. Want to strap your kid down and inject them with LSD and force them to watch “Gigli” starring Jennifer Lopez? I will bring the straps, syringes, and my own personal stock of lysergic and we will make those little fuckers see dragons!
Your personal and strange beliefs are all you need in Randy Paul’s America! It can be a grand new day. We can do it! We can bring about a mass extinction in the name of liberty, justice, and most importantly: The Free Markets! God Bless America, and most importantly God Bless the tinfoil on all your sweet little heads!
Hail Meepzorp, Lizard Alien God of the Paul Family!