Senate Bravely Votes To Continue Doing ‘F— All’ In The Face of Gun Violence Epidemic

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Tragedy was averted in the U.S. Senate this week when the august body bravely voted to continue doing using  one Congressional staffer would describe as “fuck all” as their guiding principle when addressing gun violence in the United States. In a succession of mostly party line votes, fearless elected politicians ensured that literally nothing would be done by the federal government in wake of the tragic massacre of 49 mostly LGBTQ Americans at Pulse Nightclub in Orlando, Florida on June 12th, 2016.

“This body has a history of callously ignoring the blood on the gun lobby’s hands,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters outside his office after the votes were held, “and after Sandy Hook we ignored the deaths of more than two dozen first graders. We reaffirmed that tradition today by turning a blind eye to the 49 LGBTQ Americans lost in Orlando that tragic early morning.” McConnell told reporters he instructed his office to send “the biggest, most beautiful basket of thoughts and prayers” to Orlando that they could.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) told the media that he was “enormously skeptical” of any law that limited guns in any way because “wars needs guns and America needs wars.” McCain said that choosing Sarah Palin (R) as his 2008 running mate “should in no way give Americans cause for believing [him] to be an out of touch old war monger.” A snap poll of Fox News viewers and World Net Daily readers confirmed what McCain said, showing a full 99% of “Americans who matter/White Evangelical Americans” in agreement with McCain’s comments.

“Our Democratic colleagues may have been trying to frame this debate as one of both national security and public health and safety,” Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) whose own amendment was also beaten along a party line vote, told reporters at a Black Angus steak restaurant later that evening, “but my Republican friends and I know the truth. This was an assault on American liberty with the full-frontal, unapologetic disrespect of the Second Amendment and every single patriot who died in every American war ever defending it that the Democrats know darn well they are perpetrating. Freedom was at stake, and speaking of steaks, I’m going to go eat mine angrily now!”

On the Democratic side, most Senators were content to blame un-involved, younger voters who didn’t show up in the 2010 and 2014 mid-terms for their own lack of spine for many years when they did have the majority to push for common sense gun reforms. One Democratic aide said that “the key to progressive victories is through ignoring energetic voters in presidential primaries so you can browbeat them about being disenchanted in the off-cycle years” and that her bosses were “quite happy” with how well they’ve succeeded at that so far this year.

Last week, statistics were released showing that since 1968, more Americans have been killed by other Americans wielding firearms than have died in all of the American wars combined. Senator McCain, after pushing down something rather turgid in his trousers, told reporters that statistic “is good but not good enough.”

“We shouldn’t settle until that number is higher than all the casualties in the wars ever,” McCain said, “or are was Americans content with just a national record? I remember when it was World Record or nothing in this country! And when you could get a corn dog and a wink-job from the gal on Ninth street for two-bits, and when you could drink milk right out of any cow’s teat you came upon with the GOVERNMENT getting in the way. Governments are for wars, not protecting people’s health or safety.”


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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