Senate Republicans Vow to ‘Punch Iran in the Dick’ Once Obama Leaves Office

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Not content to merely warn Iran that any nuclear deal they sign with President Barack Obama’s administration will be null and void once he leaves office, Senate Republicans are reportedly set to send another letter to Iran warning that after Obama leaves office, they will fly three senators to Tehran to “punch Iran in the dick.”

Anonymous sources on The Hill have contacted The Political Garbage Chute via email, detailing what the new official letter will contain. According to the email we received, the letter will cite a passage of the Constitution that Senate Republicans claim makes all decisions, executive actions and treaties signed by Democratic presidents null and void. The letter says the often forgotten “Only Republicans Are Official Presidents” clause of the Constitution clearly states “no treaty signed by a Democrat will have any validity ever.”

Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR), author of the first letter, is rumored to be one of the three senators that would be sent on the international phallus kicking expedition the second letter — also penned by Cotton — threatens to undertake. A representative from Cotton’s office told reporters yesterday that the Junior Senator from Arkansas “just wants to remind the Iranian government who’s really in charge of the American government — Republicans.” When asked by members of the media why Cotton wants to sabotage the best chance at a lasting deal with Iran over hyped-up, clearly partisan rhetoric his aides told reporters “Senator Cotton knows what Americans most want — his face on TV — and he’s willing to do anything to give the American people what they want.”

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), who was one of the Senators who signed the original threat to Iran, said that he thinks Cotton’s dick-punch letter is “a fine way to remind America and the world that Republicans don’t back down from a fight, even when both sides clearly don’t want to fight anymore.” Cruz said he would “absolutely” sign the follow-up letter, and that he had some ideas as to who should be in the dick-punching party that Republicans would send to Iran once President Obama leaves office in January of 2017. “We have some incredibly patriotic people here who would love nothing more than to punch Iran in the dick,” said Cruz.

“I think we all know the old adage,” said Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) as he picked up his dry cleaning from a D.C. area establishment. “Freedom isn’t free, and sometimes you have punch Iran in the dick. That should be on a bumper sticker somewhere.” McCain told reporters that he didn’t need to be in the dick-punching envoy because he “takes about six flights a year to Tehran” and that he “regularly slaps random Iranians in the face, you know, to spread democracy.”

Not surprisingly, conservative pundits think tanks are lining up to praise Cotton and endorse the dick-punch letter. The George W. Bush Institute of Foreign Policy released a statement hailing the first letter and the rumored follow-up that threatens penial-assault once Obama leaves office as “the best and most important foreign policy idea since liberating Iraq.” The GWBIFP’s statement praised Cotton as a “trail blazing pioneer” who is “dedicated to taking this country forward by taking it backwards into the ten years of unpaid for, highly unpopular war.”

Former Vice-President Dick Cheney called Cotton’s letter “pitch perfect” and said his only criticism was that it didn’t “fabricate enough facts” for his personal tastes while appearing on conservative talk radio host Sammy Achteruit’s show on Monday. “We’ve always said,” Cheney continued, “that the only way to secure peace is through threats and intimidation. The only way to export Democracy is to show the world the nastiest, blood thirstiest elements of it. The only way to ensure that America stays on top is to do things that undermine our credibility on the international stage.” Cheney concluded by saying, “If you look at Vietnam and Iraq you learn very quickly one very important fact — wars of choice always work out in America’s favor. Always.”

Reporters caught up to Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) and asked him about the letter he signed — Cotton’s first letter — and the rumored follow-up. “The bottom line to me is a simple one. Republicans believe in small government,” Inhofe said. “And the only to keep government small at home is to spend billions and billions of dollars dropping bombs on people.”

Sen. Cotton’s office said he is still “mulling over” the exact language for the dick-punch letter and that he is “consulting” with senior Senators on the timing of sending it.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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