Senate GOP Eyes Tightening Proposed 20-Week Abortion Ban to ‘As Soon As The Goo Comes Out Of You’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week the United States House of Representatives advanced the “Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act,” which would significantly curb the ability to perform an abortion beyond the 20 week mark of a pregnancy. Co-sponsored by Rep. Trent Franks of Arizona, one the House’s most strident religious conservatives, the bill passed along largely partisan lines, with most Democrats voting against it. The bill is not expected to pass through the Senate, however, because the GOP lacks he sixty votes it needs to break through what will almost assuredly be a forthcoming Democratic filibuster.

Yesterday, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said that he would be bringing a companion bill to the Senate. However, it’s being rumored on the Hill that Senate Republicans are eyeing a key change to the language of the House version. Namely, the law would prevent an abortion after ejaculation.\

“As soon as the goo comes out of you,” Rep. Thom Thompaulsen said, “an abortion should be completely out of the question. I would ask people why they’re going through all the trouble of getting erections if they’re not willing and able to deal with all the ramifications of it, which include feeding and sheltering any offspring without any help from the government that’s going to force you by law to have that baby.”

RELATED: Kentucky Republicans Want Law Banning Abortion After Sexual Attraction

During a press conference this morning, Thompaulsen also responded to critics who said this bill seems oddly timed, given the recent mass shooting in Las Vegas, and the fact that the Gulf Coast region and Puerto Rico are still reeling from three back-to-back-to-back hurricanes. Rep. Thompaulsen pushed back on that criticism.

“Non-autonomous parasites are being terminated by people who understand their constitutional rights, and you want us to care more about living, breathing, outside their mama’s hoohoodilly? That’s un-sane and non-rational,” Thompaulsen said emphatically.

Rep. Thompaulsen insisted that “Americans would rather tell a woman she can’t control her own vagina than see one non-viable organization terminated before it has any consciousness or remotely fully functioning brain.”

“If we can’t force rape victims to have their rapists’ babies, then we don’t live in America anymore,” Thompaulsen said in an almost roar.

RELATED: POLL: Most Americans Unsure About Late-Term Abortion Unless The Fetus Is A Trump

When asked how a law that gets in between a woman and her doctor making a medical decision for her squares with the Republican notion of small government, Thompaulsen laughed.

“Silly libtard press people,” Thompaulsen chided, “Abortion bans are the smallest government you can have, because it can fit inside your vagina. It’s gotta be prettttty small to do that, don’t you think?”

Thompaulsen said Americans should expect more abortion-related bills, not fewer, in the Trump Era.

“We barely won the election on a 241 year old technicality,” Thompaulsen said, “and we lost the popular vote in historic fashion. So clearly that means one thing — we have a mandate to do what we feel is best. And one of those things is robbing women of sexual reproductive freedom. Because you know, reasons and muh dead babies, and such. You get the idea. God bless America, God Bless me, And God Bless the Republican Party!”

This story is developing.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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