Senate Environment Chair: “Climate Change, Schmimate Change, Let’s Frack The Grand Canyon!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Jim Inhofe (R-OK) is the new chairman of the Senate’s Committee on Environment and Public Works. For some, the thought of a man who once said of the Environmental Protection Agency, “I can only say that what this country does not need is another Gestapo bureaucracy like the EPA and OSHA” heading up the country’s most important and deliberative body on the planet’s climate and environment, but Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell did just that and Inhofe wants to waste no time making as big a splash as he can.

The “Frack ‘Em All, Let God Sort ’em Out Act of 2015” would give the Federal government permission to hand any and all lands — public, private, or otherwise — over to any company that performs fracking. The process of fracking, or hydraulic fracturing, is the process of ramming a rod miles down below the Earth’s surface and firing highly-pressurized sand, chemicals and water into the rocks to create fractures that will then more easily release natural gases, brine, and most importantly to Republican Inhofe, petroleum. “There is nothing finer in all of Sweet Baby Jesus’ America than flowing crude oil, and this country for has far too long suffered under a despot who believes his liberal robot programming against anything that garners natural resources by harming the natural environment too much. It’s time to frack the world I say,” said Senator Inhofe in a recent hearing his environmental committee held.

Despite growing fears among environmental scientists that fracking causes problems that range from flammable tap water to earthquakes, true American patriots, Inhofe says, understand that “sometimes you gotta frack a little eggs to make a few more billion dollars for the oil industry.” Chairman Inhofe says that he plans to start his effort to make fracking the official energy production source of the U.S. by showing the American public how safe it is when he gives Frack Your Face, a new hydraulic fracturing and oil refining business in Ft. Williamson, Oklahoma, permission to drill baby drill in Arizona’s Grandy Canyon Park.

“Look, the fact of the matter is that I tend to use the Bible as my guide post, and I don’t see anything in it that warns of terrible earthquakes caused by hydraulic fracturing,” Inhofe was quoted as saying in a post-committee hearing press conference. The senior Senator also pointed out one distinct advantage he sees in fracking the Grand Canyon, “the dang ol’ hole’s already there!”

Inhofe was sure to hammer this point home both in the committee hearing and at the press conference. “We can save all kinds of money not having to drill as far down. The Grand Canyon looks pretty deep to me, so if we start with a big ol’ hole, that’s less of a big ol’ hole we have to make.” To Inhofe, “this is the most important piece of my proposal, it’s a pre-hole. You don’t pass up a pre-hole. Unless you’re a Nazi or a gay…you know, a Democrat!”

The Democrats, to which Inhofe was comparing Nazis and homosexuals, didn’t seem all that worried about Inhofe’s brainchild. Said one Democratic staffer, “Even if this bill were to pass through the committee, get enough support to override a filibuster, get companion legislation in the House which passes, and eventually ends up on the president’s desk, he won’t sign it. They could write a law that requires companies to start fracking Yellowstone National Park and it’ll never happen.”

Reporters asked Inhofe about the staffer’s comments. “That’s actually not a bad idea, fracking Yellowstone.” Inhofe continued, “I’m focusing on getting fracking started in the Grand Canyon, but you better believe Old Faithful’s getting an enema on my watch!” When asked why Inhofe is so hell-bent on not just doing nothing about climate change, but rather on things that only exacerbate the problem, Inhofe said it’s a simple matter of his own observations. “Scientists keep telling us the planet’s climate is warming. But it’s January and I couldn’t leave my house without a coat. So who am I to believe? Over 97% of the most highly informed, educated and trained people in the field of climate science, or my own, aging body and the perspective living in it limits me to?”

No one at the press conference answered Senator Inhofe’s rhetorical question.