Senate Dems Float Bill to Make Public Fantasizing About Incest an Impeachable Offense

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Democrats are reportedly working on new legislation that would make anyone who publicly lusts after a member of their own, directly related family, an offense worthy of immediate impeachment. The Constitution very broadly defines impeachable offenses as “high crimes and misdemeanors,” but according to some Dem staffers, there’s a desire to get much more granular than that.

The Incest Violates And Nullifies Kids Act would make it illegal for a sitting president to “muse, ponder, wonder, pontificate, guess, estimate, or fantasize about having sexual relations” with direct relatives, especially daughters.

“We feel this law might not only protect First Children from the pervy nature of their dad,” Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) told reporters, “but could also set up all the precedent we need, later, to take some White House trash out to the curb, if you know what I mean.”

Some Democrats were worried that the new law might be misconstrued as “thought policing.” However, leadership says that concern can be allayed by remembering that this new law will only ever apply to the president.

“And we might even amend it to only apply to orange presidents,” Senator Al Franken (D-MN) said during the press conference where the bill was announced, “because God only knows the Republicans made up all kinds of dumb rules about the last guy because of the color of his skin. So, on some level, turnabouts is fair play and all that.”

Democrats understand the law has a hard road ahead of it. Currently Republicans control all three branches of the federal government, and would surely filibuster the bill in the Senate. They’re hopeful, however, that the 2018 mid-terms will give them a shot at taking back control of that legislative body, and even are hopeful that the current president might provide them with the political momentum to swing control of the House.

“We need to start by taking back the senate,” Franken said, “but honestly as much of a shit-show as these first three months have been, who knows if the House is in play as well. The bottom line is that if we can get the senate back, we can at least have a version of the bill passed and ready for the next steps, should we get there.”

Feinstein told reporters that there’s even a “fairly decent chance” this law won’t be necessary.

“We’re only putting it up for consideration because of who the current occupant is,” Ms. Feinstein said, “and so if that occupant were to no longer be there, say because they resigned over the steady drip, drip, drip of revelations in regards to their lies about contacts with a foreign power to help them sway the election? Then we’d just pull this bill right away, and work on fighting the lantern jawed-bigot who’d replace the current president.”

The White House did not comment on this story, as the president was out on a “Daddy-Daughter date night” a the time.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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