Senate Democrats Promise To Have Spinal Placement Surgery Completed Before Midterms

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) told reporters today that the majority of his conference will be undergoing a special surgery procedure to have new, more robust spinal columns added to their gelatinous, reptilian forms.

“It’s true, we rolled over on over 800,000 Dreamers — people who have lived in this country lawfully and productively most of their entire lives, and all for the promise of a deal that Republicans have already signaled they will not honor,” Schumer said. “After much deliberation and consultation among us, we’ve decided to go forward with the spinal placement surgery.”

All told, sixteen Democrats voted to keep the government shutdown, while thirty-three decided to take Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) at his word and vote to re-open it. Two Republicans — Rand Paul of McConnel’s Kentucky, and Mike Lee of Utah — joined the more progressive, liberal Democrats and voted to keep the government shut down, saying the spending bill was for too much money the American taxpayers cannot afford. Schumer says he’s “disappointed more Democrats didn’t do the corporately correct thing” and vote in lock step with their party.

The GOP and Trump had been holding both DACA recipients’ status and the Child Health Insurance Program (CHIP) as bargaining chips to try and force the Dems to vote to reopen the government. Though they have a majority in both chambers, Senate Republicans would have needed at least nine Democrats to jump the fence and vote alongside them. McConnell promised Democrats in the end that they’d get a fair debate and vote on permanently enshrining DACA into law, but House Republicans are already saying they do not feel any loyalty to that promise made by the Senate Majority Leader.

“We could have sent a clear message to voters who have no impulse to ever vote for us that we’re all committed to rolling over on people who are vulnerable, represent true American values, and need us desperately to help them get some piece of mind,” Schumer said. “But nooooooooooooooo, some of my colleagues had to go and grow spines over the weekend without the help of medical professionals. So here we are, aren’t we?”

The Deferred Action For Childhood Arrivals program, known in the shorthand as DACA, was an initiative created by the Barack Obama administration in an effort to shield the nearly million people who were brought to America by undocumented guardians from deportation proceedings. DACA recipients must be law abiding and must have been brought to the country within a certain, specific time frame. DACA recipients, despite some talking points, largely are employed and pay taxes, though they are not eligible to receive benefits like Social Security or Medicare.

“Maybe we pay a lot of lip service to being the party of the downtrodden and under-represented minority,” Schumer admitted. “But we also have corporate donors, and we also have historically lacked the gumption it takes to beat a cynical Republican Party who’s willing to set fire to everything and everyone in pursuit of unfettered capitalism, which has proven throughout our history to be just as dangerous as unbridled communism has been in other countries. So, you know, what can we do, really?”

Schumer estimates the surgeries will have he and his colleagues sidelined for a few weeks up to a few months, but he says liberals shouldn’t fret too much about that.

“Let’s face it, if we’re not even going to have the courage of our convictions to stick out a tough battle for more than a weekend, how much resistance to Trump are we really putting up? So, you might not even notice that much a difference,” Schumer said.

This story is developing.

You can read satire like this every day on The Political Garbage Chute and The Pastiche Post.

More Satire:

Trump Orders ‘Except From Shithole Countries’ Added To Statue of Liberty Poem

New Study Reveals Inverse Relationship Between Penis Size And Times Word “Cuck” Is Used

Eric Trump Asks His Dad If Stormy Daniels Is His New Sister

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This