ARLINGTON, VA — “I’m trying to do something for the American people that no human being alive or dead has ever done,” was how Senator Ted Cruz opened his press conference at the nearest Chik-Fil-A to D.C. he could find in Arlington, Virginia. He continued emphatically, with his voice and arms raised to the heavens, “And that something is to give the American two whole, new planets. Obama gave five million illegals amnesty; I’m giving Americans two planets. Obama gave 10 million uninsured people access to health insurance; I’m giving everyone two new planets!”
The planets Sen. Cruz — the chairman of the Senate’s Subcommittee on Science and Space — refers to are two potential “newly” discovered planets within our own solar system. One planet, nicknamed Planet X, has long been rumored to exist, orbiting the sun from a distance beyond Pluto. The other has been rather logically nicknamed Planet Y for the time being. Astronomers have dubbed X and Y “extreme trans-Neptunian objects,” and there is now discussion within the science community as to whether these planets exist or not.
Senator Cruz doesn’t let the fact that he is the most powerful man in the country in the fields of science and space behold him to the findings of scientists and astronomers though. He isn’t waiting for them to settle the question; he is ready to plant to the American flag in X and Y, at least metaphorically speaking. “This solar system is really the American solar system, is it not? We have become such a vibrant, thriving country that pretty much Earth — the solar system’s only habitable planet — is America’s planet. I think therefore we should have first territorial rights over any other planets found within our solar system, and I am going to ask Congress to do something about it.”
It was at that point in the press conference that he lifted the covering over the easel he had set up. Underneath was a picture of the Washington Monument, which had been converted to a high-powered t-shirt gun. The point of this t-shirt gun? “We will be able to use this monument gun to literally point it at those new planets and fire off two rocket-powered flags, one for each planet, and once those flags penetrate each planet’s atmosphere, those planets are mine — er excuse me — the property of the United States of America.”
Assembled reporters peppered Cruz with questions. One asked why he felt the U.S. had any right to claim planets outside Earth’s solar system as their own, to which Cruz chuckled and said, “We didn’t ask the Injuns’ permission to expand our country to the Pacific. We ain’t gonna ask any space nerds for permission to take our junk intergalactic!” Another reporter asked him why he’s so anxious to claim rights over planets that may not exist and/or may not be habitable or useful. “I know members of the liberal elite media force employed by George Soros wouldn’t get this, but if you don’t keep expanding your empire — er I mean sphere of influence — you will fall hard to those who are unafraid to expand their borders, even beyond the planet dear, sweet Baby Jesus personally wrapped up in a bow and gave us.”
A reporter from The Dallas Morning Review and Barbecue Recipe Repository asked Cruz if there were any economic benefits to claiming rights over two planets we’re not even sure exist yet. “Hell yes there is, son! What if there’s oil in those planets? I’m prepared to push for fast-tracking the Keystone XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL Pipe Line as a companion piece of legislation to the Washington Monument Flag Cannon Conversion Act of 2015.”
Other reporters asked Cruz how old he thinks the planets are. “Less than 6,000 years, duh. Since we know Baby Jesus and God baked Earth in seven days in their Easy Deity Ovens, and that Earth is the natural center of the universe therefore, we can only conclude X and Y are about ten to fifteen years old, max.” Our reporter was able to ask just one question, a simple why. “Why? Hell son, why did George Lincoln chop down Jefferson Davis’ burning bush? We’re doing it because we can!”
Then Cruz stopped for a moment, “I just feel like the party that’s most actively trying to sabotage efforts to save this planet’s ecosystem should get first dibs on destroying more planets.” Aides for Senator Cruz say the Washington Monument Flag Cannon project would cost roughly two trillion dollars, which would be wholly financed by slashing taxes on the rich, enabling the free flow of money to rain down onto the plebes, who will then spend their trickle downs on things in the local economy, which will generate massive tax revenue as well as grow the middle class, just as they claim it worked in the 1980’s. Cruz himself seemed to know this is a long shot.
“Look, I know this might not happen. But for five years I watched Democrats run Congress and I kept calling them tax dollar wasting goons. What kind of politician am I if I don’t turn around and waste even more money in the biggest display of my hypocrisy ever?” The last question that Cruz took was from a reporter from Fox News who asked the Texas senator what he’d do if Obama vetoed the legislation to authorize the project.
“I’ll shut down the government again. Doy.”