Self-Loathing, Blind, and Deaf Woman Explains Why She’s Voting for Donald Trump

GREENBELT, MINNESOTA — Helen Whipplemyer is voting for Donald J. Trump in the upcoming presidential election in November, provided he holds and becomes the Republican nominee. There is every indication Trump will do just that, and Whipplemyer says she cannot wait to cast her ballot for the reality-TV star in the fall.

“I just think he’s the right guy for us,” Whipplemyer told our reporter, “and I think it’s important that other women like me speak out. He gets a bad reputation in the lamestream media for how he allegedly treats women, but I’ve never seen or heard any of that garbage.”

Then, after a long pause, Helen added, “Of course, I literally can’t hear or see anything, being blind and deaf and all, but you know what I mean.”

Whipplemyer was asked if she thought that a serial philanderer and a man who is on the public record several times in his life making disparaging and sexist remarks about women deserves her vote, or any woman’s vote.

“Well, as a woman who hates myself and has an extremely low sense of self worth,” Whipplemyer posited, “most definitely. I mean, it’s no different than a gay voting for him, or a black, or one of those Mexican speaking ones. Sure, it doesn’t make sense when you listen to what he says, but thankfully I can’t, and a lot of women who aren’t deaf like me just simply choose to pretend they are when he speaks.”

Being on disability, Helen says she’s had plenty of time to work for the Trump campaign, sending fundraising emails and working on social media channels to “spin positive chatter about Trump” where ever she can.

“A lot of people will respond to my emails and tell me about one thing Trump has said about women or another,” Whipplemyer related to our reporter, “but what I always tell them is that sometimes you have to turn a blind eye to reality to win elections. And we all know that winning elections is far more important than principles…especially when those principles dictate we have to treat people like humans just because they’re different from us. I love Trump because he gives us permission to be crazy, paranoid, delusional bigots and pretend it’s everyone else that’s kooky.”

Ultimately, Whipplemyer told us, having been a female and Republican for 30 years has already “preconditioned” her to hold her nose and pull the lever for anyone as long as “they had that R by their name” anyway, and this year is not that much different.

“Look, I happen to hate myself for being a woman,” Whipplemyer said, “and I also happen to not be able to literally hear or see Donald Trump’s speeches and rhetoric. But even if I were fully sighted and could hear, do you think I’d be different than any number of Republican women who will simply toe the party line because that’s what they’re trained to do? Of course not.”


James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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