WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s becoming increasingly apparent that it may become necessary to entice outgoing lame duck President Donald Trump out of the White House on January 20th, 2021 using some methodology previously unnecessary at any other time. Trump has been casting doubt on the election results — which have been counted, recounted, survived more than 50 lawsuits alleging fraud that could never be proven — and has been trying to encourage Republican state legislatures in key battleground states he lost to install their own electors loyal to him instead. There has never been a losing president less willing to accept their electoral fate than Trump, and his ramped-up rhetoric has many worried about what he might try to do to retain power.
The Secret Service, however, might have just stumbled onto a workable strategy for getting Trump out on his own accord.
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“We have begun contacting all the McDonald’s restaurants within a 500 mile radius, and have begged them to send us as many boxes, bags, or crates of french fries as they can possibly spare,” Secret Service spokesperson Sharon Monroe told reporters this morning. “Our initial plan would be simply lead a trail out of the Oval Office, out onto the White House lawn, into an awaiting limo, and then that limo would drive him to the airport so he could be put on a plane and taken somewhere far, far away from the White House.”
Monroe indicated that the Secret Service wasn’t sure how many fries they’d need for the trail, because they’re not sure how long it will need to be.
“The fact is that the president is a bit of a dotard, and gets lost from the bed to the bathroom at night,” Monroe indicated, “so we’re thinking we may need to just walk a few paces ahead of him, laying a trail of fries like you lay a trail of rose petals before a king or bride’s feet. That way, if he just constantly follows his nose, we should be able to lead him right onto the airplane, if necessary, and any fries that remain could be his in-flight meal.”
Should their plan to lead Trump out of the White House by his nose and taste buds fails, the Secret Service has a couple more ideas.
“We’ve thought about maybe getting a cardboard cutout made of one of Ivanka’s lingerie photoshoots and putting in Marine One,” Monroe announced. “Thinking maybe he’d not be able to stop himself from rushing out to her at that point. Or maybe we can just have Putin call him and tell him it’s time to go. Everyone has to listen to their boss when he calls them.”
Joe Biden will be sworn-in on January 20th, 2021.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.