WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his short tenure as White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer has already garnered himself a reputation as someone who stumbles, trips, and slips up on words he’s trying to get to come out of his mouth. The Trump administration announced today that Mr. Spicer has been diagnosed with “acute mylo paralysis” which doctors say is triggered when a tongue gets signals from the brain that too many “lies” and too much “bullshit” has passed over it, and the brain shuts the tongue down temporarily to restore equilibrium. Spicer will take time off in March to have a revolutionary, state of the art new medical procedure completed to help alleviate the problems with his tongue.
“I’m very excrement-excellent-Excel spreadsheet-excavation-EXCITED for this opportunity,” Spicer said at a daily briefing with the press, “to have my tongue permanently untied. It’s gotten pretty embolism-embarrassing for me how much I stum-stim-stoom-steem-stabbbwabba-STUBMLE over my words.”
When a reporter asked Spicer if it was his idea or Trump’s to have the surgery, Spicer seemed to get irritated and he lashed out.
“That’s a false question,” Spicer said, “because it doesn’t matter, okay? Who cares if it was my idea or the president’s, or say, like, just as a total hypothetical here, Vlad Putin’s. What does it matter? See, this is why literally everyone in this country hates the media. Literally everyone. Because you’re all a bunch of duplim-duplac-duplicitim-duplicitibbity-GODDAMNT, liars. You’re all liars and make up stupid questions and you smell like poop, ALL OF YOU. Except, the Breitbart guy. He’s cool. Fuck the rest of you though.”
Spicer stormed out of the room, huffing and puffing, throwing toys and crying as he did.
“Sean’s a tremendous guy, really the best,” Trump said, “he just needs some help sound more smarterer like his boss. Which me folks. I’m his boss. In case you forgot. I’m really like everyone’s boss. You might hear some FAKE NEWS media people at the FAILING New York Times tell you that technically I’m your boss, but that’s liberal mumbojumbo, people. You know that. Of course you do. Your’e not all as smart as me, obviously, but smart enough to vote for me and not Crooked Hillary, who I beat in the popular vote by over sixteen trillion votes if you don’t count illegals and count my votes like fifty or sixty times or whatever.”
According to Spicer, doctors are very confident that they’ll be able to not only untie his tongue, but also potentially perform another surgery if they time.
“Maybe they’ll help me pull my out of my recorder-recitation-rigatoni…SPHINCTER,” Mr. Spicer said, “but the president has expressed some concerns that might put me at odds with everyone else’s viewpoints around here. So we’ll see.”
Spicer announced that in his absence, Melissa McCarthy will do the press briefings because “she does it better” and “more Americans recognize her as Sean Spicer” than Sean Spicer as Sean Spicer.
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